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Thanks for visiting!some day you will visit this spot with some fun and happiness in it and I cannot waitfor that day a i am sure that will be better to write about
Gardem on the HillThis Garden you see is one i created although lived here 30 years and did not plant a flower ...The garden on the Hill includes all about me my life my kids and extended family and grand kids mabey a few chosen friends and my Day to Day moods/activities February 15 story of my lifewell well it is now Feb of 09 and not sure if any news is much better than last Feb of 08 only thing I can say is I have got out of my shell a bit and met up with an ole friend of many years whom I have spend a lot of time with lately but like everything in my life it never seems to be with complete contentment as there is always a twist somewhich way and thus leaves me with some kind of discontentment and wondering if I ever will feel complete and whole ,,,,,,,,,no matter how nice how funny how sweet and how attentive their always seems to be something missing .....ut at least my mind is somewhat rid of the creep that put me in this state ........thinking to myself..... than something good comes of everything no matter had serious a new situation...... so life goes on...... but , its still a mystery and the unknown is very scary for me as the trust and the desire to forget and let my guard down is and always will be still there........ mabey even worst than before because more than ever I am afraid to trust .... not that I don't have my faults, I do .....and , it's a chore for others to deal with...... my damaged mind and ability to take anything at face value and live for today.......wish I could ,,,,,,life would be so much simplier for me and for the persons who have to deal with me even more so........I found my skates getting them sharpened this week did some kind of cooking and invited company at last and went walking with my friend and at least had a few dates which I vowed I would never do so I guess moving on is not exactly cancelled out for me and what will be the fate of my old new friend will remain to be seen..... I will guess that it will not go that far but I sure hope will end in a friendship rather than how my seven year relatioship ended with hate hurt and sleepless nights for over one year and that situation is still burning but now only smolthering so mabey peace is near....... and here is the reason my friend showed me with these wise words of wisdom ..... told me if I did this mabey peace and good things will happen to me as god does not give peace unless you learn to forgive....... his words ...... YOU MUST LEARN TO FORGIVE AND YOU WILL RECEIVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS BUT NOT UNTIL YOU LEARN TO DO THIS AND REVENGE IS HIS AND THAT IS WHAT HE TEACHES..... REVENGE IS NOT YOURS...... FORGIVNESS .....IS .......ANYONE WHO HURTS OTHERS THEY HAVE TO BE SICK.... SO , FORGIVE AND LEAVE THE REST UP TO HIM ABOVE TO DEAL WITH...... REVENGE IF ANY IS HIS . ....possibly those words make better sense than the anger I have been feeling and I am trying to do just that...... not really right where I need to be with it .....but, I am getting better at it I THINK.......NOW MAGGIE NEEDS TO GO HAVE NOT WRITTEN FOR SOME TIME feels good to be back here and oh did I say that it would be so much easier if I was a syscik or a mind reader but again that will never happen either will it ....byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee January 18 been too longHi ya been a bit too long since I have been here and no not any better not yet trying but not getting very far ......I made a few resouloutions but so far they are just that .......I want to skate but need some kick ass I want to swim and again need some kick ass ..... I bought exercising ropes and did not open the box as yet .....what the hell is this all about ,,,,,,why can't I seem to never really do something ......only thing I do is shop and even that without any thought or heart either.......I need to do a few last things here to finish off what I started only about a day or so work and don't really have the energy to get interested enough to complete .......why ......who knows , cuz I sure as hell don't ,,,,,,I must say, I did go out a couple nights but, really not with much enthustism .....as, I trust nobody and am interested in nobody .... nor can I even open my mind enough to really enjoy the night,...... When I do get to fall asleep, ,I wake up with a headache so bad with nightmeres all night that I feel like I have a hangover ........here I am right now at 3,40 am, and , as usual, cannot sleep..................I can not seem to content myself in the house and when I go out I cannot seem to decide where to go or what to do so I usually go to tim's and after awhile , I ask myself what I am doing there , so , then I roam the malls looking for something to buy and the things I really need for the house I foget about and when I get home I realize yet another day and did not get what was needed ........am I losing my mind or am I just so disappointed that nothing matters anymore /////////I want to have some sleep but know that it is not going to happen so here I am I bought some cornbeef and some riblets to cook but so far they are still in the fridge..... can't seem to get the ambition to cook them ....and , if so, who for ........I can invite my bros who love it but dont seem to have the push..... that is the first meal I cooked for kev"s first visit to this house and that is the meal he took over doing after we became a couple .....mabey this is why my heart is not into cooking this meal .......but, I can count on my fingers how many actual meals I have cooked in this house in the past year and three months .....sad but true ,.........and when I do cook it's lousy and not like I used to cook I have lost my touch..... cannot seem to cook with the same passion that I loved to do .....that makes me angry cuz of all the things in my life that I was good at, now I can honestly say I am terrible at .......my heart is not with it and that is sad as it was something that I enjoyed to do in my life and loved to have people in to eat what I cooked and now I am afraid to even ask anyone to come to dinner as I am never happy with the product anymore .......oh God .....when is this torment for me going to end ?????.......whatever I did that was so wrong in my life when am I going to stop paying for it ,,,,and the hard part is I keep asking myself what did you do that you do not realize you did that is so bad that payback is still coming at me .........mabey when I can answear that question, I guess..... but right now my conscience does not really give me the answear .......not that I am perfect, by no means, I certainly am not ,,,,but , I do not think that I lived so evil a life that I need to keep on with this torment forever......in my heart , what was done to me was far worst than anything that I really and honestly feel I have done to anyone in my life..... yes , I have said and did hurtful things at times without thinking but in all defense I have never betrayed those I loved and trusted and who trusted me , at least I do not think I did ......who knows I keep questioning myself on a regular basis and my mind is now wondering that there must be something in my life that mabey
i blocked out and that is what I am being punished for .....otherwise. why am I paying this continuous price of not being able to have any happiness ?????? dont get me wrong..... my kids and grandkids are still a joy but I do not do them justice as a mother..... not being able to do and enjoy them with happiness within myself to the point of complete contentment ......this is not fair to them ....this is not fair to myself either.... and I feel what is not fair , is his life goes on without torment although he has caused me so much torment...... where is the fairness in this I ask????????????? Maggie needs to end this stupid feeling sorry for me,,, now as I realize that is what this whole letter to myself is ............It is me who refuses to go on and make myself happy .....only me, and, only me who can fix it .......am I really trying .......I have great thoughts of things I can do but I don't do any of it and I cannot get motivated enough .....so it is my own fault .....I know that much ...now , I need to know how to fix it ,,,,,,,,,,,night all .....it is 4.07 am hope to sleep but I am not least bit sleepy but cannot think of anything else to write without repeating myself as usual////////////maggie says nite to all December 14 cryingyep that is all i seem to know how to do right anymore and that is all I feel like doing most times when when when am i gonna start living again I just can't stand this not sleeping not cooking or eating anything to just enjoy it just eating cause nothing else to do or need to have something in system do not go to pe e much any more cause do not drink liquids much just when extremely thirsty but who cares I don't that is for sure I wonder around this city and this house mysmirized and looking for something to make me happy but it does not happen love the kids but they not around much and miss him dearly miss the wondering what he would be like today if here and would I be happy with him or would he still be sitting there most times sleeping or just non existant unless he was the one who needed attention oh yes he was quite nice when he initiated it but heven forbid if it be me that wanted to just laugh and do things and go places now what is he like I feel cheeted not to be ab;le to see if life would feel complete with me now that it would be me and him most times or would it be really miserable how he can look himself in the mirror I will never understand no matter what I always thought he had a kind heart but I must have been wrong as this is not who or what I thought he was about yes there were things I did not approve or like what he did same as he felt about me but the things I did like were the things he let me down the most with and now I am so disappointed and withdrawn because I feel so used and so stupid to even be so wrong how can that be that you can be so wrong about people and what you percieve them to be Oh please God please help me get over this he used to say my other people in my life my husband and greg were nothing but scumb to treat and do the hurtful things they did to me and put me through and now he turns out worst then both of them put together at least I had found it in my heart to forgive and care for them but him even tho I think of him 24 / 7 and I hurt for him to mabey be here I cannot seem to get by him and forgive him the hurt and hate I feel is more than ever realized I would be ever capable of and I hate this feeling Oh God please give me some closure seems only closure may be that of me no longer being here and then it will end but will it ever end my life and what life will it ever be whole again and I know not till I am able to forgive and move on and that is not happening I need some peace some kind of apology for him making such a fool of me I need to stop wishing and wonder ing if things would have been better with him now as god did give him a second chance would he have appreciated me and the ones he always said he loved better I wonder does he now I think not as he is not even that good to his own blood not even as good as he pretended to be when he here does she mean that much to him and is her type what he needs so he does not have to pretend he was and is gook it is 4 am I am exausted but still cannot sleep my discontment is just too overwhelming to let me sleep and the closer xmas comes the more sad I seem to be now that the shopping is all over as I don't even get joy from that any more I miss spoiling him at xmas and feel bad that some of what I bought him I still have and do not want to give him as she will benefit from it and that would only make me more angry so keeping it just makes me feel mean and not nice but no other thing to do right now as not in my heart to give it back offered it but he never came for it not even his stuff like personal papers so why should I even worry and its all because he is ashamed I am sure I need to go now maggie is frustrated and sad so cant do this no more tonite geez wish I could sleep wish I could feel content like I used to and feel mabey wanted guess I was just fooling my self I neeed him to apologize but never happening never will I guess I just cant understand I can't nite from maggie sorry can' do grammer or spell check either no patience I know better just don't care right now December 09 when will I stopWell soon I hope to stop shopping that is I am a little nuts this year bad other years but this year takes the cake..... I really dont know what i am trying to prove nothing I am sure just doing the frustrated thing its how I handle discontentment anger stress disappointments shop shop shop its a release just as others drink for that same release I shop so guess you can call me a shop aholic lol not funny tho as even tho I do not mind giving now I am confused as to what to give to who and if they will even like or have use for my benging fuck cant even spell it lol it's 1 am and here I am shopped all night and now still cant sleep oh well life goes on I guess whether I shop or sit here or whatever it will not wait for me and my sillly ness now will it?????????????? I am thirsty lots of cold ones here now that the shitface is no longer here doing his binjing..... lol ....still cant spell it ...who cares tho I sure as hell dont all I care about is nothing anymore that is what happens when someone distroys the faith you just give in and just don' t seem to care anymore....logic is why bother .you know what i am making all kiinds of mistakes means i am done tired or just not into this one way or another its good nite from maggie to all of you whoever word of advice what every you are or whatever you do DO UNTO OTHERS AS THOUGH YOU WERE THE OTHERS nite now maggie signing off December 01 HERE iAM AGAINHI IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE LAST HERE, AND IT IS NOW CLOSE TO XMAS, ONLY TWENTY FOUR DAYS LEFT, ... IT IS NOW ALMOST 12.30 AM AND i AM STILL UP AND HAVE TO WORK AT 6.30 BUT AS USUAL CAN'T SLEEP ..... STARTED PUTTING UP TREE BUT LOST INTEREST, SO NOW HAVE TO FINISH TOMORROW..... MY LITTLE GIRL IS GOING AWAY... FAR FAR AWAY IN FOUR DAYS AND I AM VERY SAD.... HAPPY FOR HER ...SAD FOR ME AND HER SISTERS AND DAD AND ALL OF US WHO LOVE HER, BUT SHE MUST DO WHAT SHE NEEDS TO AS SHE LOVES SOMEONE DEARLY AND HE IS IN ALBERTA SO WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FOR HER HAPPINESS , I GUESS, SUCKS THO, REALLY DOES..... AH WELL , SEEMS LIKE IT IS ALL ABOUT THAT IN MY LIFE LATELY.... I HAVE SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED AND STILL NOT GOT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET ....JUST BUY BUY BUY AND NOT NO WHY.... NOT EVEN KNOW WHO FOR OR IF ANY GOOD FOR WHO ..... THAT MAKES SENSE NOW DOESN'T IT, BUT STORY OF MY LIFE.... NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE, NOTHING , .....OH WELL, NOW i AM GETTING YOU ALL DEPRESSED ....NO NEED FOR THAT NOW, IS THERE .....JUST BECAUSE i AM AND THAT IS ALL MY OWN FAULT .....BUT , XMAS IS COMING.... MABEY SOME SMILES, SOME GOOD FRIENDS , AND FAMILY , ONES THAT ARE DESERVING OF MY WELCOME, AND SOME FUN..... MABEY, AND THEN , MABEY NEW YEAR TO BRING ON BETTER AND NEWER LIFE AHEAD..... MABEY JUST MABEY..... MAGGIE NEEDS TO GO NOW AS HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY... NOTHING HAPPY AT LEAST .....SO BYE ALL FOR NOW BUT REMEMBER THIS IS MY SPACE AND I NEED TO SAY WHAT i NEED TO FOR MY OWN RELEASE.... SO IT'S FOR ME TO BE BORED WITH..... SO , IF YOU READ IT, DON'T GET MAD.... IT'S WHAT i NEED FOR ME ...JUST FOR ME ....SORRY ......BUT, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING AND IF YOU DON'T WELL WHEN YOU READ THIS BLOC YOU DO KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, SO YOU HAVE THAT CHOICE OF CHOSING NOT TO READ IT , BUT , I NEED TO WRITE IT....... MAGGIE GOING NOW |
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