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February 15 story of my lifewell well it is now Feb of 09 and not sure if any news is much better than last Feb of 08 only thing I can say is I have got out of my shell a bit and met up with an ole friend of many years whom I have spend a lot of time with lately but like everything in my life it never seems to be with complete contentment as there is always a twist somewhich way and thus leaves me with some kind of discontentment and wondering if I ever will feel complete and whole ,,,,,,,,,no matter how nice how funny how sweet and how attentive their always seems to be something missing .....ut at least my mind is somewhat rid of the creep that put me in this state ........thinking to myself..... than something good comes of everything no matter had serious a new situation...... so life goes on...... but , its still a mystery and the unknown is very scary for me as the trust and the desire to forget and let my guard down is and always will be still there........ mabey even worst than before because more than ever I am afraid to trust .... not that I don't have my faults, I do .....and , it's a chore for others to deal with...... my damaged mind and ability to take anything at face value and live for today.......wish I could ,,,,,,life would be so much simplier for me and for the persons who have to deal with me even more so........I found my skates getting them sharpened this week did some kind of cooking and invited company at last and went walking with my friend and at least had a few dates which I vowed I would never do so I guess moving on is not exactly cancelled out for me and what will be the fate of my old new friend will remain to be seen..... I will guess that it will not go that far but I sure hope will end in a friendship rather than how my seven year relatioship ended with hate hurt and sleepless nights for over one year and that situation is still burning but now only smolthering so mabey peace is near....... and here is the reason my friend showed me with these wise words of wisdom ..... told me if I did this mabey peace and good things will happen to me as god does not give peace unless you learn to forgive....... his words ...... YOU MUST LEARN TO FORGIVE AND YOU WILL RECEIVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS BUT NOT UNTIL YOU LEARN TO DO THIS AND REVENGE IS HIS AND THAT IS WHAT HE TEACHES..... REVENGE IS NOT YOURS...... FORGIVNESS .....IS .......ANYONE WHO HURTS OTHERS THEY HAVE TO BE SICK.... SO , FORGIVE AND LEAVE THE REST UP TO HIM ABOVE TO DEAL WITH...... REVENGE IF ANY IS HIS . ....possibly those words make better sense than the anger I have been feeling and I am trying to do just that...... not really right where I need to be with it .....but, I am getting better at it I THINK.......NOW MAGGIE NEEDS TO GO HAVE NOT WRITTEN FOR SOME TIME feels good to be back here and oh did I say that it would be so much easier if I was a syscik or a mind reader but again that will never happen either will it ....byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee January 18 been too longHi ya been a bit too long since I have been here and no not any better not yet trying but not getting very far ......I made a few resouloutions but so far they are just that .......I want to skate but need some kick ass I want to swim and again need some kick ass ..... I bought exercising ropes and did not open the box as yet .....what the hell is this all about ,,,,,,why can't I seem to never really do something ......only thing I do is shop and even that without any thought or heart either.......I need to do a few last things here to finish off what I started only about a day or so work and don't really have the energy to get interested enough to complete .......why ......who knows , cuz I sure as hell don't ,,,,,,I must say, I did go out a couple nights but, really not with much enthustism .....as, I trust nobody and am interested in nobody .... nor can I even open my mind enough to really enjoy the night,...... When I do get to fall asleep, ,I wake up with a headache so bad with nightmeres all night that I feel like I have a hangover ........here I am right now at 3,40 am, and , as usual, cannot sleep..................I can not seem to content myself in the house and when I go out I cannot seem to decide where to go or what to do so I usually go to tim's and after awhile , I ask myself what I am doing there , so , then I roam the malls looking for something to buy and the things I really need for the house I foget about and when I get home I realize yet another day and did not get what was needed ........am I losing my mind or am I just so disappointed that nothing matters anymore /////////I want to have some sleep but know that it is not going to happen so here I am I bought some cornbeef and some riblets to cook but so far they are still in the fridge..... can't seem to get the ambition to cook them ....and , if so, who for ........I can invite my bros who love it but dont seem to have the push..... that is the first meal I cooked for kev"s first visit to this house and that is the meal he took over doing after we became a couple .....mabey this is why my heart is not into cooking this meal .......but, I can count on my fingers how many actual meals I have cooked in this house in the past year and three months .....sad but true ,.........and when I do cook it's lousy and not like I used to cook I have lost my touch..... cannot seem to cook with the same passion that I loved to do .....that makes me angry cuz of all the things in my life that I was good at, now I can honestly say I am terrible at .......my heart is not with it and that is sad as it was something that I enjoyed to do in my life and loved to have people in to eat what I cooked and now I am afraid to even ask anyone to come to dinner as I am never happy with the product anymore .......oh God .....when is this torment for me going to end ?????.......whatever I did that was so wrong in my life when am I going to stop paying for it ,,,,and the hard part is I keep asking myself what did you do that you do not realize you did that is so bad that payback is still coming at me .........mabey when I can answear that question, I guess..... but right now my conscience does not really give me the answear .......not that I am perfect, by no means, I certainly am not ,,,,but , I do not think that I lived so evil a life that I need to keep on with this torment forever......in my heart , what was done to me was far worst than anything that I really and honestly feel I have done to anyone in my life..... yes , I have said and did hurtful things at times without thinking but in all defense I have never betrayed those I loved and trusted and who trusted me , at least I do not think I did ......who knows I keep questioning myself on a regular basis and my mind is now wondering that there must be something in my life that mabey
i blocked out and that is what I am being punished for .....otherwise. why am I paying this continuous price of not being able to have any happiness ?????? dont get me wrong..... my kids and grandkids are still a joy but I do not do them justice as a mother..... not being able to do and enjoy them with happiness within myself to the point of complete contentment ......this is not fair to them ....this is not fair to myself either.... and I feel what is not fair , is his life goes on without torment although he has caused me so much torment...... where is the fairness in this I ask????????????? Maggie needs to end this stupid feeling sorry for me,,, now as I realize that is what this whole letter to myself is ............It is me who refuses to go on and make myself happy .....only me, and, only me who can fix it .......am I really trying .......I have great thoughts of things I can do but I don't do any of it and I cannot get motivated enough .....so it is my own fault .....I know that much ...now , I need to know how to fix it ,,,,,,,,,,,night all .....it is 4.07 am hope to sleep but I am not least bit sleepy but cannot think of anything else to write without repeating myself as usual////////////maggie says nite to all December 14 cryingyep that is all i seem to know how to do right anymore and that is all I feel like doing most times when when when am i gonna start living again I just can't stand this not sleeping not cooking or eating anything to just enjoy it just eating cause nothing else to do or need to have something in system do not go to pe e much any more cause do not drink liquids much just when extremely thirsty but who cares I don't that is for sure I wonder around this city and this house mysmirized and looking for something to make me happy but it does not happen love the kids but they not around much and miss him dearly miss the wondering what he would be like today if here and would I be happy with him or would he still be sitting there most times sleeping or just non existant unless he was the one who needed attention oh yes he was quite nice when he initiated it but heven forbid if it be me that wanted to just laugh and do things and go places now what is he like I feel cheeted not to be ab;le to see if life would feel complete with me now that it would be me and him most times or would it be really miserable how he can look himself in the mirror I will never understand no matter what I always thought he had a kind heart but I must have been wrong as this is not who or what I thought he was about yes there were things I did not approve or like what he did same as he felt about me but the things I did like were the things he let me down the most with and now I am so disappointed and withdrawn because I feel so used and so stupid to even be so wrong how can that be that you can be so wrong about people and what you percieve them to be Oh please God please help me get over this he used to say my other people in my life my husband and greg were nothing but scumb to treat and do the hurtful things they did to me and put me through and now he turns out worst then both of them put together at least I had found it in my heart to forgive and care for them but him even tho I think of him 24 / 7 and I hurt for him to mabey be here I cannot seem to get by him and forgive him the hurt and hate I feel is more than ever realized I would be ever capable of and I hate this feeling Oh God please give me some closure seems only closure may be that of me no longer being here and then it will end but will it ever end my life and what life will it ever be whole again and I know not till I am able to forgive and move on and that is not happening I need some peace some kind of apology for him making such a fool of me I need to stop wishing and wonder ing if things would have been better with him now as god did give him a second chance would he have appreciated me and the ones he always said he loved better I wonder does he now I think not as he is not even that good to his own blood not even as good as he pretended to be when he here does she mean that much to him and is her type what he needs so he does not have to pretend he was and is gook it is 4 am I am exausted but still cannot sleep my discontment is just too overwhelming to let me sleep and the closer xmas comes the more sad I seem to be now that the shopping is all over as I don't even get joy from that any more I miss spoiling him at xmas and feel bad that some of what I bought him I still have and do not want to give him as she will benefit from it and that would only make me more angry so keeping it just makes me feel mean and not nice but no other thing to do right now as not in my heart to give it back offered it but he never came for it not even his stuff like personal papers so why should I even worry and its all because he is ashamed I am sure I need to go now maggie is frustrated and sad so cant do this no more tonite geez wish I could sleep wish I could feel content like I used to and feel mabey wanted guess I was just fooling my self I neeed him to apologize but never happening never will I guess I just cant understand I can't nite from maggie sorry can' do grammer or spell check either no patience I know better just don't care right now December 09 when will I stopWell soon I hope to stop shopping that is I am a little nuts this year bad other years but this year takes the cake..... I really dont know what i am trying to prove nothing I am sure just doing the frustrated thing its how I handle discontentment anger stress disappointments shop shop shop its a release just as others drink for that same release I shop so guess you can call me a shop aholic lol not funny tho as even tho I do not mind giving now I am confused as to what to give to who and if they will even like or have use for my benging fuck cant even spell it lol it's 1 am and here I am shopped all night and now still cant sleep oh well life goes on I guess whether I shop or sit here or whatever it will not wait for me and my sillly ness now will it?????????????? I am thirsty lots of cold ones here now that the shitface is no longer here doing his binjing..... lol ....still cant spell it ...who cares tho I sure as hell dont all I care about is nothing anymore that is what happens when someone distroys the faith you just give in and just don' t seem to care anymore....logic is why bother .you know what i am making all kiinds of mistakes means i am done tired or just not into this one way or another its good nite from maggie to all of you whoever word of advice what every you are or whatever you do DO UNTO OTHERS AS THOUGH YOU WERE THE OTHERS nite now maggie signing off December 01 HERE iAM AGAINHI IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE LAST HERE, AND IT IS NOW CLOSE TO XMAS, ONLY TWENTY FOUR DAYS LEFT, ... IT IS NOW ALMOST 12.30 AM AND i AM STILL UP AND HAVE TO WORK AT 6.30 BUT AS USUAL CAN'T SLEEP ..... STARTED PUTTING UP TREE BUT LOST INTEREST, SO NOW HAVE TO FINISH TOMORROW..... MY LITTLE GIRL IS GOING AWAY... FAR FAR AWAY IN FOUR DAYS AND I AM VERY SAD.... HAPPY FOR HER ...SAD FOR ME AND HER SISTERS AND DAD AND ALL OF US WHO LOVE HER, BUT SHE MUST DO WHAT SHE NEEDS TO AS SHE LOVES SOMEONE DEARLY AND HE IS IN ALBERTA SO WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FOR HER HAPPINESS , I GUESS, SUCKS THO, REALLY DOES..... AH WELL , SEEMS LIKE IT IS ALL ABOUT THAT IN MY LIFE LATELY.... I HAVE SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED AND STILL NOT GOT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET ....JUST BUY BUY BUY AND NOT NO WHY.... NOT EVEN KNOW WHO FOR OR IF ANY GOOD FOR WHO ..... THAT MAKES SENSE NOW DOESN'T IT, BUT STORY OF MY LIFE.... NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE, NOTHING , .....OH WELL, NOW i AM GETTING YOU ALL DEPRESSED ....NO NEED FOR THAT NOW, IS THERE .....JUST BECAUSE i AM AND THAT IS ALL MY OWN FAULT .....BUT , XMAS IS COMING.... MABEY SOME SMILES, SOME GOOD FRIENDS , AND FAMILY , ONES THAT ARE DESERVING OF MY WELCOME, AND SOME FUN..... MABEY, AND THEN , MABEY NEW YEAR TO BRING ON BETTER AND NEWER LIFE AHEAD..... MABEY JUST MABEY..... MAGGIE NEEDS TO GO NOW AS HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY... NOTHING HAPPY AT LEAST .....SO BYE ALL FOR NOW BUT REMEMBER THIS IS MY SPACE AND I NEED TO SAY WHAT i NEED TO FOR MY OWN RELEASE.... SO IT'S FOR ME TO BE BORED WITH..... SO , IF YOU READ IT, DON'T GET MAD.... IT'S WHAT i NEED FOR ME ...JUST FOR ME ....SORRY ......BUT, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING AND IF YOU DON'T WELL WHEN YOU READ THIS BLOC YOU DO KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, SO YOU HAVE THAT CHOICE OF CHOSING NOT TO READ IT , BUT , I NEED TO WRITE IT....... MAGGIE GOING NOW November 09 I need some kind of lifeYep I am bored and I need to find something to do with myself and I need to know how to do that as right now I do not know how and it is frustrating me to no end .......to stay in the house and cook who for, and what for, to go out, where.... to work more ,well that is not the answear, I already work enough..... to shop, well I am shopped out , and am spending money just because...... to visit, well I am not content enough to do that at the present ......to exercise , well mabey that is a plan but I need to get the motivation, and how to get that .....well not really sure .....to go and find some entertainment , well tried that and usually go to the place and turn around and leave before getting out of the vechicle...... so now, I need answears and I need to find the interest even when I find the answear as well ...... and for another relationship, well , no no no , that is not even an option .....am I missing my companion ?????yes I am... and that is what the big hold up is ....can't seem to be alone in this house and I am not interested in even entertaining finding something out there even part time ...... not for me, not at all.... so now you know what I mean by I need some kind of life..... and now, I am sure that as well as I have not got the answears, neither does any one who reads this, cause, i am sure there is none .....right at the moment mabey to die is the answear, then the problem will solve its self...  and that is on a light side, so it is not a thought or a plan either, just the frustrations that I feel...... it needs some humor ...... that is exactly what someone might say to me.... why don't you just go shrivel up somewhere cause you do not want any answears and you want to stay miserable .. not .... no I do not..... and I have no control over what is going on with me and if I did I would fix it for sure mmmmmmmmmmmmmmaggie signing off now as i am leaving to go out and who knows mabey spend more money... mabey have a coffee .....mabey just drive and drive ....who the f------k knows i sure don't till we meet again     thanks for listening maggie October 19 con artistwell this week did not work as hard but am tired as tho I had .....not sure why .,,,,,old mabey as on the 16th had yet another birthday and as for my way of thinking birthdays may come and may go but nothing that will excite me anymore as only thing I can relate to is getting older much older lol .....Now that the elections are over I am so happy that Mayor John Morgan got in again not that I thought that he would not have as he is the man and I am happy there are a lot of capers that realize that and by the way he got 85 percent of the vote so what does that tell ya surely it speaks for itself yayaya now for that other piece of shit well as I was in the sobeys store yesterday shopping for tulip bulbs who arrives on the scene... old tired and haggard looking and shabby as wel.....l his hair was standing up on end as tho he just been sleeping all day long..... I was glad to see him as I did need to talk to him as I do not have a phone no and that con nut he is with makes it impossible for me to go personally to his home even tho it is his apartment...i approaced him with just the guy I need to talk to and he ignorantly turned away from me making a comment about was i following him even tho he entered the store that ZI was already in ....lol ,,,......imagine.....in a cranky and irrate voice he replys to me what do you want I wanted my sons expensive fishing rod and reel that he loaned him when he lived with me and he was wanting to go fishing so my son down visiting for weekend being the nice kind of guy he is went out to his car and got his good rod and reel and loaned it to him said he would get it back next time in town ....he denied ever having it even tho I myself upon returning his stuff and thinking the rod was his personally passed it to him and he took it from my hands.... now he says that never happend!!!!!!!!!shocked I am .... what on earth has ever become of this man the one I though I knew he continued to try and walk from me but being me that was not about to happen so I continued to demand that he talk to me telling him to ask her and I did not refer to her as her that does not suit what she stands for and I asked him to stop her from going after what is not belonging to her as she an yu did enough damage to me and her x sleeping with you in his home while he out to sea .....shame on you ....... now she looking to take what he is paying for lol.......what a joke.... her, without a pot to piss in except for her personal belongs and furniture that all the other men in her life bought her in all her short relationships and trail of destruction ,,,,, I told him if he did not put end to all of this I make him sorry as I can destroy him financially or at least put him on notice for an investagestation and of course he as cocky as I expected him to be because its all about their poorness and their greed for trying to take from others to help themselves this is really not the man I though I knew but lord only knows mabey it was and if not she has brainwashed and controlled him to the point that he gives in right or wrong so only reply from him was she gonna sue me why does that not surprise me i told him to bring it on would welcome the opportunity to expose her in public... oh well power to them but believe me I will make him sorry he did not stand up and stop her nonsense as that man is a nice person and does not deserve what she is trying to do not that she will have it her way as no judge will not ever rule in her favor..... the things in her letter tells how much of a nut she really is .........its not that easy for these type of persons such as her can do and get away with things anymore and judges will see through her clearly just by what is in her letters enough about that now I am going out to jimmys and gonna help him with his rebut to all her acquasations good luck bitch and sorry for you my sweet one you need to stop her or esle it will come back to haunt her and you as well and you will be miserable .....you both did more than your share of hurting others already enough is enough now I will go for now maggie is too upset to talk anymore about this nonsense October 13 happy thanksgiving day to all out therewell guess i need to wish all of you HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY and hope your belly gets full of the turkey thing as for me I served enough of it at my job yesterday that i had my full of it so i am not doing the turkey thing besides that the cook got contracted out by the con and guess he is doing the cooking there so i guess I will do without lol every which way lol lol lol better than crying I guess......had a good nite sleep after almost 65 hours of work put in this week so my body was definetly broke down at this point so all I did was finally sleep all nite and this morning got up at 6 am as i am slept out . Don't really know what i am up to today kind of feel quilty did not cook turkey for my family but my heart not into it nor my body I was exausted so i just dismissed the thought out of my mind now I feel bad but never the less don't even have a turkey so can't do much about that now can I so just forget it pam there are reasons for everything and the reason is don't have a turkey and don't think they would appreciate bolonga. I think mabey i go out and have a coffee lol i must be bored and lonely and yes am both of that and I am trying not to think of it but I do .......mabey something interesting as boring as I am might be at the timmies waiting for just someone like me lol jjust kidding and wishful thinking too as if there were I probably would thumbs down o n him if he looked like tom cruz well worked lots of hours got lots of money now need to think about paying lots of bills no good in my pocket while paying lots of interest now is there/ good thing I have this space to talk to as only for my son rod I do not have any or many to talk to anymore people in my life have their own life and rightly so it's not their fault my life has be destroyed I only wish for someday to be able to say that the feeling and hurt I am going through will someday go back to the cause of this and that is mean but that is how I feel now I think I will get dressed and go for that coffee and from there well who knows even the stores are closed mabey I get into the licor cabinet lol no one here now to drain it anymore mabey its getting stale oh by the way he is drinking wine does he not think that can hurt especially the way he can put it away but he drinks it home so he thinks he can fool everyone else into thinking he is reformed lol not never now maggie needs to go was hopingto go on a happy note but as usual back to what this space is all about but soon I will travel and mabey who knows mabey maggie says good day and enjoy all out there and have one or two for me or three smiles October 12 thanksgiving daywell well well three am and its thanksgiving morning and i have to work at 5 am but as usual cannot sleep I guess I have a lot to be thankful for but somehow I cannot content myself that way I do have four lovely grandaughters and three grandsons and two grown grandkids my son and wife gave meaning to in this life and two great grandkids as well but that is where the buck stops no no no I have five sons as well and daughter in laws but again that is it I have two nice cars and a pretty nice house what more would you want says others ya what more mabey some one who treats me with respect and wants me for me that is wht I want no that is what I dont want anymore cause I travelled that road and all it ever got me was heartache and sorrow so here I am up and cant sleep even tho I put more than sixty hours of work in the past seven days and more to come tomorrow mean today as i have to work as my coworker is recovering from an annerism and I got the nerve to say what have I got to be thankful for Oh God what am I really saying .........had a junior high class reunion at my house this week and had some great fun reminising with them and looking at all the pictures when worries were not even thought of then it was all about being a kid and having fun we laughed had guitar and signing from one of our classmates had lots of food and yes booz as well ......my friend from those days home to see her brother who is not got long for this world and she stayed with me and that is why we had the get together just wish there was more time to have contacted others who are still here to attend too but mabey next time as we had lots of fun and that is just what I need to mabey realize there more important things in life than just sitting and pondering over that loser who turned his back on me when I was there for him and was always there for him till he did not need me anymore cuz guess grass greener in another direction for him often wonder is it tho......it's not fair that I feel as tho I am the only one who is unhappy;.....and I will never know I guess and that is why I cannot sleep thinking and wondering if he is sorry for what he did to me but probably not as people like that have no heart........it is now 4.03 and in hour and half my time call will be coming in for me to get up mabey I go and try and relax cuz I know I need my energy it is really going to be busy today at work and i need to be on the ball i usually am no matter how tired I should be but I hardly ever sleep and if I do its when I should be awake like around ten to about twelve and that finishes me as then I wake and things go through my mind like you would not believe I hate my self for my mind as sometimes my thoughts are not exactly things i am proud to say that I am thinking but how do you stop thinking just because you know you should ''''''''maggie needs to lay down now hope I dont sleep in as that is when I seem to go into a deep sleep when I should be up HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE AND PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO START BEING HAPPIER October 01 gossipGOSSIP what would we all do without it especially if it's talking about someone other than ourselves. how can you be seen somewhere that you were no where near but some how i was and i guess I was the talk of the town that nite ....well I don't give a rats ass what they amuse themselves with at my expense cause i know the truth and would not waste my precious time going somewhere I was not wanted or welcomed and I know whoever started those rumors it was part of underminding me again as that is the only thing that will make them all happy as their lives are about deceit and lies and hurting others just because and it tells me something ,,,,,,,if you have nothing better to do in your life then you must lead a very boring life and lonely too .....I would rather be lonely from hurt than from hateful ways but I will say this if i was there I would not hide I would have made my presence known but I was not sorry to bust all the bubbles I have more class than that sides I would only make him think he is all that and he is none of that .....so sorry guys its not all about you people I rather be alone and lonely than to lower myself to that extent maggie needs to leave now as i could get very nasty and may say things I will be sorry for later so fuck off now and just go find other gossip to entertain yourselves with maggie going now September 27 HILARIOUSWELL IT IS NOW SEPT 27 OF 08 AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO ME..... WELL IT MEANS TWO THINGS..... HOW LIFE TAKE IT'S TWISTS WITHIN ONE YEAR .... AND FOR ME ....ITS STILL MY NIGHTMERE ..... one year ago to this very day the man I lived with was on his death bed as I sat and cryed and prayed and spent many sleepless nights in the next ten days .....fatigued with worry and sadness, I never thought could be ....I called a priest to annoint him ....hoping that would mabey give him the strength he needed to fight off the evil he brought upon himself..... i even went as far as contacting his friend the healing priest to come up and bless him which he did .... with all my family and his there pulling for him .....I was devestated to say the least ......I could not sleep but did not mind ....I wanted to be with him all the time .....I needed to be...... sometimes his family would get upset with me because i never went home .....I thought. only because they were concerned over me as well. but soon found out that was not the case..... as they, not all of them, blamed me for what had happened even tho he drank all his life it was easier to just look for someone to blame so I was not family and thus became the target as they started to insult me and my friends which were his friends as well saying they had no business there ......then the doctor was told I was not the next of kin and was not to be told anything of his condition .... that came from the nurses and doctors on the floor and for m there everything went down hil.....l even to plans being made for him not to return to my house and he was part of that too because it was convenient as he was already having an affair with the nurse so now I was in the way and this was convenient and he was vunerable and was very easily lead especially by her who thought he had money lol I did not understand and then he started treating me like shit as i visited him in hospital after he got his bearings and beat the odds and by the way surprisenly enough nothing of the treatments that were told to us he ever needed so that tells me upon reading certain material that his condition may have started from something he mixed with his own narcotics that he took because he recovered all too quickly so i feel once his body detoxicated itself from whatever created his condition he quickly recovered and i was so happy but not for long as i was being underminded by both him and his family and could not understand why as me and my family who thought a lot of him even with his severe alcoholic and drug problems , we still loved him and he is a most likeable person and good in lots of ways I myself do not have any addictions not that i think I am any better but I am not going to say i do if i don't .... also his gambling problem was another situation in its self......which he had when I met him as well .... but in the end it was all my fault because i did not stop him and he could always come to me if he needed money but he paid it back and he would give me the shirt off his back if I needed or wanted it but I being the independent individual did not require either as i had my own money and i was knocked for that because they said I made it all too easy for him and therefore it was me who enabled his addictions ....while mostly they wanted nothing to do with him at those times ..... well mabey they were right in some ways but in other ways they were most unfair to me in the end..... now one year later as he lives on with another life that came about three weeks after he left the hospital and how convenient with his doctors nurse hmmmmmmmmmmmmdefinetly not just started up after his illness as in the month of Sept he was on the disappearing list many nights.... lying to me where he stayed ....now through research of my phone bills and his cell phone bills i discover the man she was living with his phone no on my phone and his cell and her no on as well while this poor man was out to sea he was staying at her his house and this before he got sick which i might add strangely enough he got sick all too quickely ... shame shame both of you as for the twist today his daughter getting married and he lives high asking my family chosen ones and my reletives chosen ones to the wedding to even further imbarressing me so he can introduce his new chosen one to them i believe to rub my nose in it just a little further to hurt me more but the immediated family he does not know any of us or is too ashamed to run into us and even tho his daughter who kicked him out and never spoke to him for months after he moved in with the thing he is with now wanted me to attend the wedding saying I had more right to be there than her and that she did not want her there at all and had no respect for her and for what she stands for .... when time came and she finally spoke to her dad which i advised her too then I was non existamt for the third time she betrayed me and you know three strikes and your out i forgave her twice cause i am soft now dont get me wrong I was flattered that she felt i should be there but I have more class than that and even tho i said yes i would go i never had any intension as it is his daughter and his place to be happy on her day and she should have discussed her change of heart with me instead of lying and taking me apart as she and her dads new found sucker were up pick ing out her wedding dress a job ithought I would be helping with imagine me with him seven years and her few months now isn't that a killer for me and then the both of them partying and knifing me in the back and talking a storm up aboutme for their entertainment that night but guess what someone told me the whole story and also called me and he could only have got my cell from one person and thats that ......now the twist same day amde week fighting for his life now year later different partner gloating in my sorrow .... how decieving all of them and I hope things go well for all of them just too bad I was the dart board September 20 funny how things arehi it is 2 am on a friday nite and here I am again stayed home most of nite as usual and tried to watch tv but that does not happen only see bits and pieces and fall in and out of sleep as it is too quiet a task for me to be doing cannot stay still that long without falling asleep drifting in and out of the whatever it is I start watching never watch anything from top to bottom lol and then abruptly I wake completely out of this state and into another and tonite it was kind of devistating the feeling that came over me the feeling of aloneness and sadness and hurt not really sure what was in my subconscience was it about my little breonna and the stress she felt today and was it the sadness for her not being able to get what needs to be done behind her as she now has to someday be there again and has to get her operation done and yes then I felt had noone to talk to about her and felt the loss and lonelyness once again and the feeling of what is becoming of my life as it sinks daily into more and more sadness and feeling of neausea that is the only way I can fully describe how I feel inside neausea my stomach turns inside and out and the feeling of anxiety just pounds away at my heart so therefor i come here where i always seem to come cause no one else to talk to and strangly enough i go to my email and a dear friend of mine sent me a novena and it tells of me being so alone and sad and that god is gonna change that and the rest of 2008 and start of 2009 will be much better for me and of course it states I need to pass it along but as my computor wont give me my contact list for some reason I know that it was a sign and that it did not need passing along and I fellt that at that very moment that novena was just there as a sign that things are going to change and get better for me one way or the other and right now only way i feel get better is to get my way but mabey that is really not the answear and mabey it is but whatever it was just a way of making me feel that someone was telling me something and only one god has that power at least it took me back to feeling not so alone and mabey things will be at the turning point I don't know but can only hope i hate to say this but my heart is really feeling the need to try and not hate kevin but to love him but i am so afraid to think that way but my way of life is not a way of hate or to forget what I cared about just because it caused me grief.... to get grief must be a penance and mabey I have to accept that.... and mabey I do..... and. my conscience does not allow me to just ignore and tell myself easier to kick out of my life with no time for any things to cause me grief so i just forget eleminate any people who do not always make me happy and do what I want ......not my way and glad of it too ,,,,,,,,I will have no regrets///// someday I know that my compassion and forgivness and my ability to excuse others sometime for what they do I will be rewarded for it even tho sometimes I am still bitter and angry but the forgivness is always there open to any apology that may come my way even tho I do know sometimes forgivness is not always deserving of the ones that hurt so bad .... in the end I always forgive wish others would be as kind to me but it never happens that way but they have their way and i have mine and I like mine a lot better some people say its a fools way and mabey so but again it is me and I shall not be no one other than me and I have to do what I think is best for me and they will do whatever it is that is best for them and i say one other thing GOOD LUCK TO THEM ALL I am glad I am me ,,,,,,maggie needs to stop now sorry but say what is on my mind like it or not September 15 believe it or notwell hear i am again I must be afraid again I cannot sleep again so what with that???????I might have know I would not have the mind to relax ,,,take a pill they say but I reply please go away it ;s not for me , so please let me be.......i did not really have but only a few hours last nite in the end causing me to be bit late for work and then after eight hrs of work came home got shower an d had it in mind to sleep instead went out drove around like some kind of mad woman till finally i went to my g/f and invited her out for some chineese dinner came home after that slept for two hours an now here I am omg another nite to roam the floors and come back and forth to this computor but again i do not really have patience for this either will only stay here few min and then this will bore me too so then i will lay down toss and turn burning up inside because it should not be this way I should be happy and content and have a companion to enjoy but no my companion is enjoying the company of that loser con or is he Oh god please give me a sign so i may feel some contentment whatever it takes I need for you to do that for me I need to relax and only you know how to do that for me only you .......I know that there is reasons for everything but please let me feel the reasons let me be part of whatever it is that is in store for me or for the love of me put it back together for me one way or the other i cannot help the way i feel and its love and hate all the same time and the love is just not going away the missing him is not going away the anger is just building up inside of me sometimes i feel like I am gonna explode and I just want to run and run to release the pressure thinking many times I need to talk to him but when i do I know I will not be nice I know i will be hateful and rotten and bitter and want to make him feel the hurt that i feel ....what is the use .......mabey it is meant to be and mabey it is not .....mabey some day this will all make sense to me and mabey some day I will have my chance to make a decision to make it or break it for good with him I need that and I will have that some day and I hope my decision is to tell him to enjoy rest of his time on earth and payday lies ahead for him but if my decision is to forgive him and mabey love him then again everything is for a reason and therefore my purpose in this world has a road I must take for some good reason and payday will lie ahead for me as well but right now please give me a sign I am crying out for inner peace do I not deserve just that I do not ask for much from anyone in my life but I am asking for that and its for sure no price attached to it now a price that makes it hard on any one to grant me mabey a price i will have to pay when I get my wish but that remains for the future to decide God only knows my time on this earth is much less then the younger ones who have lots of time to make their way and be content and happy but as for me I need to be happy now as i may not be around that long to enjoy some happiness and i do not want to die without that happy feeling again and if its meant to be by forgiving and taking back what I loved or if its meant to be forgiving and forgetting I guess I have to accept it for what it is right now it is just anger and resentment and a lost feeling inside of me I hate this feeling I hate the fact I cannot sleep I hate being discontented I hate hating I need to be loved and need to love oh yes i love my children and grandkids and friends but they have their own lives and i need one too and i am begging please give me one mabey I have learned something by all of this and would do things differently givin the right reasons maggie hands tired now wish my mind was and my body was and then i may sleep so for now I will sign off go to basement put my uniform in the dryer have a drink as i am always so thirsty all the time even tho dont really drink enough liquids not enough for how dry i am all the time everything for me is a chore even if it only means pouring a drink of water how silly is that one lol nite from the wolvie and yes maggie too not sleeping againholy shit I need some gd sleep i want some sleep I have tried but now its almost 2 am and here i am again.......why why why sick of this , really I am . had a full day went to coffee to the mall and to a hockey game with my two little grandsons and daughter in law then back for coffee then home and had a sandwich and watched tv talked to a friend on pc for a bit and then went to bed only to toss and turn till I find myself here again trying to burn off frustrations and burn out a bit so when I return to bed and try and sleep I will be able to..........work is in four hours and then I will wish I had been able to sleep as the day ahead of me is usually busy and i need rest but what is the use of talking about it as it is not going to happen and i do not take pills seen too much pill abuse to last me lifetime so its not in the cards for me to even take one as I do not feel it is necessary its just a cop out and excuse to take a pill those who feel the need to just because they cannot sleep or have a headache or pain or whatever I do not and will never agree it is necessary but that is how I feel about any pill not necessary am I correct that they are not useful but sorry cannot go with the flo on this one ..........and again I think I am hungry but I know that I am not I am only looking to fill a void so I will not eat as that is really not the answear either so that's out so now what ........mabey get a hot shower mabey that is the answear .....yes yes that's it that is just what i should do then wont have to in the morning what am i talking about its almost morning now for me that is but mabey if I get one then I can get two hours or more sleep and will be able to get myself through the day tomorrow not that I wont anyway but I will feel more relaxed that is for sure .........so help me sometimes the things that go through this mind of mine I hate to really think could ever happen and I really know that i could never make or be a part of happening but still I wish sometimes that life did not seem so unfair ////////and can't help but wonder if all is as peachy as I imagine but not knowing is of very little comfort to me for sure //////////////I have not bought myself anything personal for such a long time only stuff for this place and that is only satisfying till I get it and then I look to please myself with something else but i do not have the patience to figure out what i would like for me so I just don't bother mabey if i bought me something i would feel better mabey lol I have new pics to download on my camera and did not even do that one yet well I am gonna make some committments to myself for sure for the upcoming week and see if I can get a new motivation I just have to I got to and I will now maggie has said enough for tonite it is now around 2.30 gonna go get that shower be in bed by 3.30 and will sleep till my time call at 5.30 sounds nice now don't it  nite all from the not so together maggie September 14 sunday morning coming downwell it is 8 am. on sunday... one of my days off, and here I am , up which is normal for me..... I love to have the desire to go out and do my lawn and weed my garden...... but... as i think of it, I don't want to ,but really need too. If my x was here I probably would because my life would not feel empty and my interests would be focused but unfortunately they are not and you need to feel serenty and peace to want to do those kind of things . I would give anything to have that feeling again but its not to be right at the present. yesterday i had a barb'cue invite and i went and had a nice day but memories haunted me even more and because the x's were very evidently on our minds at least on my own mind .....more so for me , he...the other par of bella has did a little more than me and tried to move forward although he seems bitter in ways referring to her as the con...... and that is just what she is, the con..... and as for my x, ... I will refer to as the sneek...... trying to convience me and others that he did not cheet..... lol lol lol ...... of course he did.... how nieve does he really think the world around him is ......only his family beleive that one...... as , that is what they want to believe...... but , as they too know him, they should really know he is doing what he is best at , telling lies big time......phone calls from louisbourg registared in sept, before he ever got sick were on my phone ......all the proof I need ...... at that time neither of us did not really know or associate with anyone from there..... one time he said it was for mabey my son and his work places which he does not do that territory, so that was a lie..... next time he tried to convience me it from his friend who by the way always uses a cell phone so no one knows his whereabouts ,.....so that was a lie .....so now you tell me why the need to lie unless covering up something...you got it , sneek is proper name for him ........I have to start to get organized in here and get my ole couch set out of dining room and down the basement out of my way ..... wrapped it in shrink wrap and now have to store it saftly in the basement in a spot that is off the concrete floor so as not to get ruined ......need my boys to come here and carry it down for me .....think I will do some cooking this week, as i do not really do much of that anymore, and will invite my bros and sister and kids and grandkids up..... but, not sure what to cook ......I know they all want lebenese food but i would like to cook either cornbeef and cabbage or saltcod pork scraps and onion dinner but unfortunately all do not like that so would have to have something else as well to feed all so back to lebenese food and that has a lot of prep .....lol..... so, have to make decision quickly lol .... now as i sit here , I talk about all the things that need taken care of and things I want to do ......the questions is ,....will I do any or all of it , or will i do nothing like I usually do .......my mind and heart are wanting to but will I .......I have to start pushing myself at least try and do one of the above and that could be a start right????? I just have to..... to move the couch set out of my way does not count.... that has to be done.... but other stuff I want to do ......other thing I must do is start xmas shopping as I have lots of expense coming up for december including paying off my Dominican ticket....... so, must start now..... do not need the december blues.....having to come up with shit load of money........ I can be busy for six months if I can just focus long enough to make a schedule and start kicking ass....... need to get paper work in order , albumms and pictures made up ...... outside project done .....would love to cut down those over grown trees in front of my window and put up new vinel sofet and facia and do a face life on the outside, like paint and shutters and planting for the spring of next year so i can have a better looking outside..... and all this takes ambition and yes, money too..... so what if any will i do .... I sure hope some things..... already got the vinel wraps for my three posts, but cannot install till the facia and sofet are done first ....... god , i am good at organizing on this blog..... but not good at actually getting to it..... but, as in the inside project I have mostly near completion..... I will eventually will get the other stuff done ..... I am sure.... took me a lot of energy in my mind to actually get what i needed done on the inside and my heart was really not in that but got it done ....so, I am sure slowly that energy will kick in and allow me to eventually get it done on the outside too,,,,,,, but money , talks bullshit walks..... need to win lottery or find a ticket or so, lol ..... as they all think ...... only ticket i got was two legs that allowed me to work hard and make honest money..... that I spend faster than I make it , lol but who cares I sure as hell dont ...............well maggie signing of again with all this boring stuff that only me is interested in writing and reading back to myself in order to brainwash myself into doing what needs to be done or else shaming myself into it,,,,, cause .....for sure, I have not much focus these days........ good day all from the cheerful maggie lol September 10 can;t sleepwell well what else is new here i am again and it is after 1 am and I cannot sleep need to go to work in five hrs. and here I am ....I have that headache again and the neausated feeling that I hate .....I keep on searching for peace keep wondering and no solution in sight Ipray that mabey I have a dream of the real truth so I will know need to know answears and what is really going on in his head need to know one way or the other that I was a fool but no answears here for me just lonely and dreadful nights with no rest in sight feel hungry but not hungry enough to eat properly most times therefor never really feeling neurish properly just eat to keep going but never feeling content tried and tried to sleep but it's not happening so now i am mabey writing to see if I cn relax enough that when I go back to bed I may be able to get a little sleep as my job is most demanding and I should be alert and not exausted from lack of sleep and yes mabey proper neurishment..........I feel run down lately and tired but not tired enough to sleep .......my mind runs in all different directions with ramdom feeling going from angry to almost forgiving but not enough to relax my emotions are constantly running high leaving me with mixed feeling......I really hate what runs through my mind most of the time but unfortunately have no control over any of it.......Oh God please let me have some rest and give me some kind of sign or some inner strenth I am strong but oh so weak how can that be .......I am shocked how life seems to always go this way for me as I do not think I am that bad a person and did not think I was that hard to live with as usually I give in to mostly anything everyone else wants before what i want for me........most nights i feel like just getting in my car and just going out of here but where would I go of course no where cause no where to go especially at 1.30 in the am but being here is just so unbearable that i wish I just had something to settle me down .....I have not much desires lately and i hate that and if I must say so myself the work I did in this house which is very pleasing to the eye just is not cutting it for me but i keep on doing things trying to make my surroundings pleasant so mabey I can pick up my spirit but only lasts till I get it done and then i look around me and ask myself why and now what????? and do you know the answear there is none I guess .......right now I feel the need to thro up but even that don't happen '''''''well I just erased a sentence that when i read it I felt ashamed to even put it on paper cause it was so selfish and i won't go there .......right now i would like to get dressed and get the frig out of here but i won't but I feel like that and then I like to go out in kitchen and eat but I can't too neasuated that not be good and really am not hungry just feel like i want to do that now isn't that dumb i have been sniffing and sneezing all nite long mabeyI am getting sick and mabey I am becoming run down as i am exausted but cannot sleep went to see my two little grandsons this evening they are so cute I could eat them I look at them and hope life has good things in store for them and never wish them feeling of unrest as they grow up want them to be happy and my dear little grandaughter who got burnt 13 years ago has to go in for surgery skin drafting and she is so brave and does not deserve to have to go through that often makes me wonder why people have to suffer butguess its not for me to question .....does not mean i have to like it I guess.......imagine an innocent little girl to have to go through that and then to think that piece of shit beat the odds and treated all who worried about him like garbage where is the justice .........no wonder people lose faith at times ...........God please forgive me ,,,,,,,I HATE HIM AND HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL.....OMG i really can't believe I am saying this and do i really mean this i sure hope not i have to sign off as now I am really getting a bad headache if that is possible to have worst than already had to begin with nite but I do know its not good nite as i do not feel like sleep will happen September 05 people most of them not really very nice for surewell it is late friday nite and as usual i have a severe headache and only because i cannot stop but think how mean and hateful people are that I know/ To say a knive is hard to remove would be to put it mildly i guess it is so easy for a knive to be driven and once it is the scar never goes away ........ask me ,,,,,,,,i though most people in this world were good and kind but now i have changed my mind only a few are really good and kind and that is such a sad truth......how some people can lie and expect yu to believe them amazes me and how others can be two faced and dishonest drives me nuts as i sit and try to visualise why and what makes them do such things .//////they say what you wanna hear if they think that will get them brownie point ........they use you till you are of no use.........they are deceitful and prey on the goodness of the weak and take what they want and deny you when it is necessary and convenient ,,,,,,,,,if you become any problem or opposition and cause you to be accountable then they stomp on yu and run you into the ground as if you were that dirty ole cigarette that they just finished when the good and use for it is done it is just cast away.........then we have the two faced ones who just do and say whatever is for their own gain and fuck what damage it may cause and then there are people out there who have no morals have no respect for themselves or for the ones they hurt and take what they want whenever it is gainful to themself no matter how wrong it may be ........omg so far i have only remembered the rotten people in this blog and find it hard to remember the good ones ......that only means the scars are much too deep for me to recon beyond this point and my thoughts are not good and i too belong in the above as all i want to do is hurt too........I have this feeling of neausea deep in the pit of my stomach and it just won't go away no matter what i do or where I go to change that feeling sleep is restless headaches are frequent thoughts are evil and interests are few......when and what will ever make a difference and how can i find that peace.......from the outside looking in it is dark and sad from the inside looking out it is devestating and useless and unforgiving .........forgive they say forget and be happy my my how easy words come .......well mabey some day but not today and i do not think not tomorrow either or the next or the next so therefore life just moves on and i will move on too but not without having a sadness that continuous to pierce within me and not without a bitter and rotten taste that stays in my mouth mabey that is why after i eat a bit that somehow i am telling myself that I dont enjoy it anymore cause there is not much i do enjoy anymore .....now dont get me wrong I love my kids and grandkids and sometimes i feel as tho i cheet them because my heart is so heavy and I like my house but sometimes I neglect it too I love to have people around me but then for some reason a sadness seems to take over my spirit i like to shop but then sometimes i really lose interest and can't make up my mind to really buy what i need i just buy a fix and wonder after if that was the fix I needed and did I need or like what I purchased ......pretty bad when you question everthing you do or think or say or feel and that is the purpose for this blog I am trying to find myself mabey by writing they say it helps it is suppose to be therapy but i am not sure at this point wheather it is or not as i have been doing this for too long and nothing seems to change how i feel .......so i know this blog and all of them are boring to you and I understand but it's not for you out there it[s for me and sorry if i cannot be more interesting and cheerful and creative but that is not me I am not at the best of times creative or humerous so even if I happiest person in the world that would not be in this blog cause its really not me same time I am type that unless you do something to me i do not look to antisipate that something is meant to be something else i make excuses and look at things more compassionately for longer than I should because that is just me and I or noone else can change that fact about me and not really sure i want to and even tho I am not in a greatful and forgiving mood i do forgive too easily and that is why i am such a target but again that is me and my prophile says it all I AM WHAT I AM AND WILL BE NONE OTHER THAN THAT cause that is really me so now that this is off my chest i will say nite maggie as it is getting late and i work tomorrow on a saturday which i usually never do but I will tomorrow ..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz September 02 back to realityWell here I am back home again and its 11.31 on tuesday evening and at 5 am i have to get up to get ready to go back to work . Good things have to come to an end and now i need to return to work to make more money to cover the splurge i just went through lol. makes me happy as i live to spend but i spend my money not someone else's that I know is the case in other situations,. looks good on him hope he is skinny because of his miserable life that he never thought he was gonna have , hahahahah not from what i hear and from what i know she is all about lol lol lol hate to laugh at others misery but looks great on his skinny body my weight loss is from the hell the asshole put me through often wonder if his is from the hell he is going through and that is what I mean when I say what goes around comes around only two fold and that is a known fact that life works its wonderous ways of making things even/ Would rather hope that his stress is from her as to the other terrible fact that faces him of being sick with his condition again I do never wish that on him no way even tho i know he could not give a rats ass if i died tomorrow that would make him happy i think as then he could go out and face the world without running into me as he fears that as he knows i will take every opportunity i can and will make him feel small and i have no remorse about that one and the other thing I have no problem telling the world of the tramp she is with all the details attached to it and let either of them tell me it's slander ....they won't cause they know it's not...... slander is only when lies are told but you do not have to lie when it comes to her cause there is more than enough of the truth to release without having to lie about anything ......he deserves her ......she deserves all she is gonna come up against if not already happening and really who gives a f--k .......not me .....why should I ..........see you happy you made somebody out of me i don't really even like .....people destroy people and then those people destroy back .....nite maggie August 30 did it again I am obscessedwell its 12 pm on Friday nite in toronto and i just came back from the auction and yes you guessed it I got my fix I spent shit load of money again only thing that keeps me motivated seems these days.......my dreams keep coming more often and more and more headaches are driving me nuts as I wake up feeling like I been on a big drunk mabey if I was at least there would be a reason for these headaches ........I got a steal at the auction as i lucked in at a 5,000 dollar leather set a four piece set at that now all I have to do is figure out how to get it home from Oshawa lol don't worry tho as I am good at figuring things out , so it will happen... how soon, well that remains to be seen yet.... you would have laughed your ass off if you seen me and malyz and darrell out in the pouring rain at almost 12 pm tying to lift the big couch set in...... we had to take door off the house and it heavy as hell..... we were soaked ...good thing the coach set leather.... as they, the delivery guys only take to the driveway because of insurance purposes.... so , it was our problem then.... i also bought other stuff including new table for my hall... now , have to figure what to do with one bought last week , lol ..... think I am going nuts , for sure..... Oh well, its all I have.... just spending to release my frustrations , as my dreams are very disturbing these days .....all about my lost life , so , I must do something for release ....I guess .....as I only seem to be able to please myself these days .... others quickly get annoyed with me..... so best to be by myself , then at least, I do not have to worry about offending anyone..... and if they offend me , remember not to deal with it as they do , you know , no one I know is without fault, but some hold you to your actions...... too bad. I dont hold people to their actions, same ones who make me accountable for mine forget too quickly how they hurt and insult when it,s them doing whatever and as usual I just forgive and forget because that is me , easy to shit on and I usually end out taking it and making excuses for their actions , but I do not wear two hats and do not go my two set s of rules one for them and one for me ......so now that i spent more money I feel much better except I am much poorer, lol ..... nite maggie..... hair soaken wet lol August 21 tired but for justifyedWell it is now almost 5 pm and i have been on the go since 6 am and I think I had a day from hell .....seems hell follows me where ever I go and what ever i seem to do but for me that is par for the course .....honestly in my mind I do believe that someone out there is testing my durability but believe me it is starting to wear and not the way I wold like it to ...........i worked so hard today never had a cup of water or coffee from 6am till three am and not even a pee///////////no time for nothing customers like cockroaches finish off one and ten more arrive lol thought i gonna lose it ///////story of my life ........i did manage to keep everything under control but not without wondering if i gonna lose because that is how i felt ........came home from work and did the soak thing till my tired legs and feet started feeling like I still had them there......now i still have to do the days paper work as my brain if that is what I will call it would not allow me to even try and balance the sheets after this nutty and stressful day I just put in so the demand for me still goes on but I will do it when my mind is settelled down a bit'''''''even tho I am tired it is so nice out that i would just like to go out but my mind says no no dont go so for now i wont/////////last nite as usual I dreampt my usual dreams haunted by my would be life which was taken away from me so cruel and uncaring.......mabey if I could stop dreaming I could start to do things i want to do .....I am on vacation come Monday and believe me I am going to enjoy it .....oh believe me i have had several offers from customers to old friends to perverts but so far I am not remotely intesested at least right at this present time, so I continue to wonder and think and ponder as to what is gonna become of me and my future.....don't get me wrong i have lots of the good things that life has to offer but still it is not fulfilled as yet but I am sure in time it will be if I do not die......they say only th good die young so I will live on I guess It is a beautiful day out there and i should go out and sit on the patio take a drink mabey a black rum and just get hammered that is all it would take a black rum only one way i feel today lol......see there i go again running off at the mouth but guess whayt I am pouring the drink as I speak and thinking on doing just that and then doing something against my grain and book off last min ute hang over lol but lost my drinking partner mabey if i drank I still have him as it was my fault he almost died from alchol abuse so i should have taken part in what i go blamed for anyway nice guys finish last they say rotten ones just hang in there stinking up this world of ours but they are the ones who get all the thanks mabey i need to change my habits and learn from examples thrown in my face right////////gotta go now drink getting warm cant have that can I now mabey I get drunk and do something stupid lol see ya all maggie |
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