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September 27 HILARIOUSWELL IT IS NOW SEPT 27 OF 08 AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO ME..... WELL IT MEANS TWO THINGS..... HOW LIFE TAKE IT'S TWISTS WITHIN ONE YEAR .... AND FOR ME ....ITS STILL MY NIGHTMERE ..... one year ago to this very day the man I lived with was on his death bed as I sat and cryed and prayed and spent many sleepless nights in the next ten days .....fatigued with worry and sadness, I never thought could be ....I called a priest to annoint him ....hoping that would mabey give him the strength he needed to fight off the evil he brought upon himself..... i even went as far as contacting his friend the healing priest to come up and bless him which he did .... with all my family and his there pulling for him .....I was devestated to say the least ......I could not sleep but did not mind ....I wanted to be with him all the time .....I needed to be...... sometimes his family would get upset with me because i never went home .....I thought. only because they were concerned over me as well. but soon found out that was not the case..... as they, not all of them, blamed me for what had happened even tho he drank all his life it was easier to just look for someone to blame so I was not family and thus became the target as they started to insult me and my friends which were his friends as well saying they had no business there ......then the doctor was told I was not the next of kin and was not to be told anything of his condition .... that came from the nurses and doctors on the floor and for m there everything went down hil.....l even to plans being made for him not to return to my house and he was part of that too because it was convenient as he was already having an affair with the nurse so now I was in the way and this was convenient and he was vunerable and was very easily lead especially by her who thought he had money lol I did not understand and then he started treating me like shit as i visited him in hospital after he got his bearings and beat the odds and by the way surprisenly enough nothing of the treatments that were told to us he ever needed so that tells me upon reading certain material that his condition may have started from something he mixed with his own narcotics that he took because he recovered all too quickly so i feel once his body detoxicated itself from whatever created his condition he quickly recovered and i was so happy but not for long as i was being underminded by both him and his family and could not understand why as me and my family who thought a lot of him even with his severe alcoholic and drug problems , we still loved him and he is a most likeable person and good in lots of ways I myself do not have any addictions not that i think I am any better but I am not going to say i do if i don't .... also his gambling problem was another situation in its self......which he had when I met him as well .... but in the end it was all my fault because i did not stop him and he could always come to me if he needed money but he paid it back and he would give me the shirt off his back if I needed or wanted it but I being the independent individual did not require either as i had my own money and i was knocked for that because they said I made it all too easy for him and therefore it was me who enabled his addictions ....while mostly they wanted nothing to do with him at those times ..... well mabey they were right in some ways but in other ways they were most unfair to me in the end..... now one year later as he lives on with another life that came about three weeks after he left the hospital and how convenient with his doctors nurse hmmmmmmmmmmmmdefinetly not just started up after his illness as in the month of Sept he was on the disappearing list many nights.... lying to me where he stayed ....now through research of my phone bills and his cell phone bills i discover the man she was living with his phone no on my phone and his cell and her no on as well while this poor man was out to sea he was staying at her his house and this before he got sick which i might add strangely enough he got sick all too quickely ... shame shame both of you as for the twist today his daughter getting married and he lives high asking my family chosen ones and my reletives chosen ones to the wedding to even further imbarressing me so he can introduce his new chosen one to them i believe to rub my nose in it just a little further to hurt me more but the immediated family he does not know any of us or is too ashamed to run into us and even tho his daughter who kicked him out and never spoke to him for months after he moved in with the thing he is with now wanted me to attend the wedding saying I had more right to be there than her and that she did not want her there at all and had no respect for her and for what she stands for .... when time came and she finally spoke to her dad which i advised her too then I was non existamt for the third time she betrayed me and you know three strikes and your out i forgave her twice cause i am soft now dont get me wrong I was flattered that she felt i should be there but I have more class than that and even tho i said yes i would go i never had any intension as it is his daughter and his place to be happy on her day and she should have discussed her change of heart with me instead of lying and taking me apart as she and her dads new found sucker were up pick ing out her wedding dress a job ithought I would be helping with imagine me with him seven years and her few months now isn't that a killer for me and then the both of them partying and knifing me in the back and talking a storm up aboutme for their entertainment that night but guess what someone told me the whole story and also called me and he could only have got my cell from one person and thats that ......now the twist same day amde week fighting for his life now year later different partner gloating in my sorrow .... how decieving all of them and I hope things go well for all of them just too bad I was the dart board September 20 funny how things arehi it is 2 am on a friday nite and here I am again stayed home most of nite as usual and tried to watch tv but that does not happen only see bits and pieces and fall in and out of sleep as it is too quiet a task for me to be doing cannot stay still that long without falling asleep drifting in and out of the whatever it is I start watching never watch anything from top to bottom lol and then abruptly I wake completely out of this state and into another and tonite it was kind of devistating the feeling that came over me the feeling of aloneness and sadness and hurt not really sure what was in my subconscience was it about my little breonna and the stress she felt today and was it the sadness for her not being able to get what needs to be done behind her as she now has to someday be there again and has to get her operation done and yes then I felt had noone to talk to about her and felt the loss and lonelyness once again and the feeling of what is becoming of my life as it sinks daily into more and more sadness and feeling of neausea that is the only way I can fully describe how I feel inside neausea my stomach turns inside and out and the feeling of anxiety just pounds away at my heart so therefor i come here where i always seem to come cause no one else to talk to and strangly enough i go to my email and a dear friend of mine sent me a novena and it tells of me being so alone and sad and that god is gonna change that and the rest of 2008 and start of 2009 will be much better for me and of course it states I need to pass it along but as my computor wont give me my contact list for some reason I know that it was a sign and that it did not need passing along and I fellt that at that very moment that novena was just there as a sign that things are going to change and get better for me one way or the other and right now only way i feel get better is to get my way but mabey that is really not the answear and mabey it is but whatever it was just a way of making me feel that someone was telling me something and only one god has that power at least it took me back to feeling not so alone and mabey things will be at the turning point I don't know but can only hope i hate to say this but my heart is really feeling the need to try and not hate kevin but to love him but i am so afraid to think that way but my way of life is not a way of hate or to forget what I cared about just because it caused me grief.... to get grief must be a penance and mabey I have to accept that.... and mabey I do..... and. my conscience does not allow me to just ignore and tell myself easier to kick out of my life with no time for any things to cause me grief so i just forget eleminate any people who do not always make me happy and do what I want ......not my way and glad of it too ,,,,,,,,I will have no regrets///// someday I know that my compassion and forgivness and my ability to excuse others sometime for what they do I will be rewarded for it even tho sometimes I am still bitter and angry but the forgivness is always there open to any apology that may come my way even tho I do know sometimes forgivness is not always deserving of the ones that hurt so bad .... in the end I always forgive wish others would be as kind to me but it never happens that way but they have their way and i have mine and I like mine a lot better some people say its a fools way and mabey so but again it is me and I shall not be no one other than me and I have to do what I think is best for me and they will do whatever it is that is best for them and i say one other thing GOOD LUCK TO THEM ALL I am glad I am me ,,,,,,maggie needs to stop now sorry but say what is on my mind like it or not September 15 believe it or notwell hear i am again I must be afraid again I cannot sleep again so what with that???????I might have know I would not have the mind to relax ,,,take a pill they say but I reply please go away it ;s not for me , so please let me be.......i did not really have but only a few hours last nite in the end causing me to be bit late for work and then after eight hrs of work came home got shower an d had it in mind to sleep instead went out drove around like some kind of mad woman till finally i went to my g/f and invited her out for some chineese dinner came home after that slept for two hours an now here I am omg another nite to roam the floors and come back and forth to this computor but again i do not really have patience for this either will only stay here few min and then this will bore me too so then i will lay down toss and turn burning up inside because it should not be this way I should be happy and content and have a companion to enjoy but no my companion is enjoying the company of that loser con or is he Oh god please give me a sign so i may feel some contentment whatever it takes I need for you to do that for me I need to relax and only you know how to do that for me only you .......I know that there is reasons for everything but please let me feel the reasons let me be part of whatever it is that is in store for me or for the love of me put it back together for me one way or the other i cannot help the way i feel and its love and hate all the same time and the love is just not going away the missing him is not going away the anger is just building up inside of me sometimes i feel like I am gonna explode and I just want to run and run to release the pressure thinking many times I need to talk to him but when i do I know I will not be nice I know i will be hateful and rotten and bitter and want to make him feel the hurt that i feel ....what is the use .......mabey it is meant to be and mabey it is not .....mabey some day this will all make sense to me and mabey some day I will have my chance to make a decision to make it or break it for good with him I need that and I will have that some day and I hope my decision is to tell him to enjoy rest of his time on earth and payday lies ahead for him but if my decision is to forgive him and mabey love him then again everything is for a reason and therefore my purpose in this world has a road I must take for some good reason and payday will lie ahead for me as well but right now please give me a sign I am crying out for inner peace do I not deserve just that I do not ask for much from anyone in my life but I am asking for that and its for sure no price attached to it now a price that makes it hard on any one to grant me mabey a price i will have to pay when I get my wish but that remains for the future to decide God only knows my time on this earth is much less then the younger ones who have lots of time to make their way and be content and happy but as for me I need to be happy now as i may not be around that long to enjoy some happiness and i do not want to die without that happy feeling again and if its meant to be by forgiving and taking back what I loved or if its meant to be forgiving and forgetting I guess I have to accept it for what it is right now it is just anger and resentment and a lost feeling inside of me I hate this feeling I hate the fact I cannot sleep I hate being discontented I hate hating I need to be loved and need to love oh yes i love my children and grandkids and friends but they have their own lives and i need one too and i am begging please give me one mabey I have learned something by all of this and would do things differently givin the right reasons maggie hands tired now wish my mind was and my body was and then i may sleep so for now I will sign off go to basement put my uniform in the dryer have a drink as i am always so thirsty all the time even tho dont really drink enough liquids not enough for how dry i am all the time everything for me is a chore even if it only means pouring a drink of water how silly is that one lol nite from the wolvie and yes maggie too not sleeping againholy shit I need some gd sleep i want some sleep I have tried but now its almost 2 am and here i am again.......why why why sick of this , really I am . had a full day went to coffee to the mall and to a hockey game with my two little grandsons and daughter in law then back for coffee then home and had a sandwich and watched tv talked to a friend on pc for a bit and then went to bed only to toss and turn till I find myself here again trying to burn off frustrations and burn out a bit so when I return to bed and try and sleep I will be able to..........work is in four hours and then I will wish I had been able to sleep as the day ahead of me is usually busy and i need rest but what is the use of talking about it as it is not going to happen and i do not take pills seen too much pill abuse to last me lifetime so its not in the cards for me to even take one as I do not feel it is necessary its just a cop out and excuse to take a pill those who feel the need to just because they cannot sleep or have a headache or pain or whatever I do not and will never agree it is necessary but that is how I feel about any pill not necessary am I correct that they are not useful but sorry cannot go with the flo on this one ..........and again I think I am hungry but I know that I am not I am only looking to fill a void so I will not eat as that is really not the answear either so that's out so now what ........mabey get a hot shower mabey that is the answear .....yes yes that's it that is just what i should do then wont have to in the morning what am i talking about its almost morning now for me that is but mabey if I get one then I can get two hours or more sleep and will be able to get myself through the day tomorrow not that I wont anyway but I will feel more relaxed that is for sure .........so help me sometimes the things that go through this mind of mine I hate to really think could ever happen and I really know that i could never make or be a part of happening but still I wish sometimes that life did not seem so unfair ////////and can't help but wonder if all is as peachy as I imagine but not knowing is of very little comfort to me for sure //////////////I have not bought myself anything personal for such a long time only stuff for this place and that is only satisfying till I get it and then I look to please myself with something else but i do not have the patience to figure out what i would like for me so I just don't bother mabey if i bought me something i would feel better mabey lol I have new pics to download on my camera and did not even do that one yet well I am gonna make some committments to myself for sure for the upcoming week and see if I can get a new motivation I just have to I got to and I will now maggie has said enough for tonite it is now around 2.30 gonna go get that shower be in bed by 3.30 and will sleep till my time call at 5.30 sounds nice now don't it  nite all from the not so together maggie September 14 sunday morning coming downwell it is 8 am. on sunday... one of my days off, and here I am , up which is normal for me..... I love to have the desire to go out and do my lawn and weed my garden...... but... as i think of it, I don't want to ,but really need too. If my x was here I probably would because my life would not feel empty and my interests would be focused but unfortunately they are not and you need to feel serenty and peace to want to do those kind of things . I would give anything to have that feeling again but its not to be right at the present. yesterday i had a barb'cue invite and i went and had a nice day but memories haunted me even more and because the x's were very evidently on our minds at least on my own mind .....more so for me , he...the other par of bella has did a little more than me and tried to move forward although he seems bitter in ways referring to her as the con...... and that is just what she is, the con..... and as for my x, ... I will refer to as the sneek...... trying to convience me and others that he did not cheet..... lol lol lol ...... of course he did.... how nieve does he really think the world around him is ......only his family beleive that one...... as , that is what they want to believe...... but , as they too know him, they should really know he is doing what he is best at , telling lies big time......phone calls from louisbourg registared in sept, before he ever got sick were on my phone ......all the proof I need ...... at that time neither of us did not really know or associate with anyone from there..... one time he said it was for mabey my son and his work places which he does not do that territory, so that was a lie..... next time he tried to convience me it from his friend who by the way always uses a cell phone so no one knows his whereabouts ,.....so that was a lie .....so now you tell me why the need to lie unless covering up something...you got it , sneek is proper name for him ........I have to start to get organized in here and get my ole couch set out of dining room and down the basement out of my way ..... wrapped it in shrink wrap and now have to store it saftly in the basement in a spot that is off the concrete floor so as not to get ruined ......need my boys to come here and carry it down for me .....think I will do some cooking this week, as i do not really do much of that anymore, and will invite my bros and sister and kids and grandkids up..... but, not sure what to cook ......I know they all want lebenese food but i would like to cook either cornbeef and cabbage or saltcod pork scraps and onion dinner but unfortunately all do not like that so would have to have something else as well to feed all so back to lebenese food and that has a lot of prep .....lol..... so, have to make decision quickly lol .... now as i sit here , I talk about all the things that need taken care of and things I want to do ......the questions is ,....will I do any or all of it , or will i do nothing like I usually do .......my mind and heart are wanting to but will I .......I have to start pushing myself at least try and do one of the above and that could be a start right????? I just have to..... to move the couch set out of my way does not count.... that has to be done.... but other stuff I want to do ......other thing I must do is start xmas shopping as I have lots of expense coming up for december including paying off my Dominican ticket....... so, must start now..... do not need the december blues.....having to come up with shit load of money........ I can be busy for six months if I can just focus long enough to make a schedule and start kicking ass....... need to get paper work in order , albumms and pictures made up ...... outside project done .....would love to cut down those over grown trees in front of my window and put up new vinel sofet and facia and do a face life on the outside, like paint and shutters and planting for the spring of next year so i can have a better looking outside..... and all this takes ambition and yes, money too..... so what if any will i do .... I sure hope some things..... already got the vinel wraps for my three posts, but cannot install till the facia and sofet are done first ....... god , i am good at organizing on this blog..... but not good at actually getting to it..... but, as in the inside project I have mostly near completion..... I will eventually will get the other stuff done ..... I am sure.... took me a lot of energy in my mind to actually get what i needed done on the inside and my heart was really not in that but got it done ....so, I am sure slowly that energy will kick in and allow me to eventually get it done on the outside too,,,,,,, but money , talks bullshit walks..... need to win lottery or find a ticket or so, lol ..... as they all think ...... only ticket i got was two legs that allowed me to work hard and make honest money..... that I spend faster than I make it , lol but who cares I sure as hell dont ...............well maggie signing of again with all this boring stuff that only me is interested in writing and reading back to myself in order to brainwash myself into doing what needs to be done or else shaming myself into it,,,,, cause .....for sure, I have not much focus these days........ good day all from the cheerful maggie lol September 10 can;t sleepwell well what else is new here i am again and it is after 1 am and I cannot sleep need to go to work in five hrs. and here I am ....I have that headache again and the neausated feeling that I hate .....I keep on searching for peace keep wondering and no solution in sight Ipray that mabey I have a dream of the real truth so I will know need to know answears and what is really going on in his head need to know one way or the other that I was a fool but no answears here for me just lonely and dreadful nights with no rest in sight feel hungry but not hungry enough to eat properly most times therefor never really feeling neurish properly just eat to keep going but never feeling content tried and tried to sleep but it's not happening so now i am mabey writing to see if I cn relax enough that when I go back to bed I may be able to get a little sleep as my job is most demanding and I should be alert and not exausted from lack of sleep and yes mabey proper neurishment..........I feel run down lately and tired but not tired enough to sleep .......my mind runs in all different directions with ramdom feeling going from angry to almost forgiving but not enough to relax my emotions are constantly running high leaving me with mixed feeling......I really hate what runs through my mind most of the time but unfortunately have no control over any of it.......Oh God please let me have some rest and give me some kind of sign or some inner strenth I am strong but oh so weak how can that be .......I am shocked how life seems to always go this way for me as I do not think I am that bad a person and did not think I was that hard to live with as usually I give in to mostly anything everyone else wants before what i want for me........most nights i feel like just getting in my car and just going out of here but where would I go of course no where cause no where to go especially at 1.30 in the am but being here is just so unbearable that i wish I just had something to settle me down .....I have not much desires lately and i hate that and if I must say so myself the work I did in this house which is very pleasing to the eye just is not cutting it for me but i keep on doing things trying to make my surroundings pleasant so mabey I can pick up my spirit but only lasts till I get it done and then i look around me and ask myself why and now what????? and do you know the answear there is none I guess .......right now I feel the need to thro up but even that don't happen '''''''well I just erased a sentence that when i read it I felt ashamed to even put it on paper cause it was so selfish and i won't go there .......right now i would like to get dressed and get the frig out of here but i won't but I feel like that and then I like to go out in kitchen and eat but I can't too neasuated that not be good and really am not hungry just feel like i want to do that now isn't that dumb i have been sniffing and sneezing all nite long mabeyI am getting sick and mabey I am becoming run down as i am exausted but cannot sleep went to see my two little grandsons this evening they are so cute I could eat them I look at them and hope life has good things in store for them and never wish them feeling of unrest as they grow up want them to be happy and my dear little grandaughter who got burnt 13 years ago has to go in for surgery skin drafting and she is so brave and does not deserve to have to go through that often makes me wonder why people have to suffer butguess its not for me to question .....does not mean i have to like it I guess.......imagine an innocent little girl to have to go through that and then to think that piece of shit beat the odds and treated all who worried about him like garbage where is the justice .........no wonder people lose faith at times ...........God please forgive me ,,,,,,,I HATE HIM AND HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL.....OMG i really can't believe I am saying this and do i really mean this i sure hope not i have to sign off as now I am really getting a bad headache if that is possible to have worst than already had to begin with nite but I do know its not good nite as i do not feel like sleep will happen September 05 people most of them not really very nice for surewell it is late friday nite and as usual i have a severe headache and only because i cannot stop but think how mean and hateful people are that I know/ To say a knive is hard to remove would be to put it mildly i guess it is so easy for a knive to be driven and once it is the scar never goes away ........ask me ,,,,,,,,i though most people in this world were good and kind but now i have changed my mind only a few are really good and kind and that is such a sad truth......how some people can lie and expect yu to believe them amazes me and how others can be two faced and dishonest drives me nuts as i sit and try to visualise why and what makes them do such things .//////they say what you wanna hear if they think that will get them brownie point ........they use you till you are of no use.........they are deceitful and prey on the goodness of the weak and take what they want and deny you when it is necessary and convenient ,,,,,,,,,if you become any problem or opposition and cause you to be accountable then they stomp on yu and run you into the ground as if you were that dirty ole cigarette that they just finished when the good and use for it is done it is just cast away.........then we have the two faced ones who just do and say whatever is for their own gain and fuck what damage it may cause and then there are people out there who have no morals have no respect for themselves or for the ones they hurt and take what they want whenever it is gainful to themself no matter how wrong it may be ........omg so far i have only remembered the rotten people in this blog and find it hard to remember the good ones ......that only means the scars are much too deep for me to recon beyond this point and my thoughts are not good and i too belong in the above as all i want to do is hurt too........I have this feeling of neausea deep in the pit of my stomach and it just won't go away no matter what i do or where I go to change that feeling sleep is restless headaches are frequent thoughts are evil and interests are few......when and what will ever make a difference and how can i find that peace.......from the outside looking in it is dark and sad from the inside looking out it is devestating and useless and unforgiving .........forgive they say forget and be happy my my how easy words come .......well mabey some day but not today and i do not think not tomorrow either or the next or the next so therefore life just moves on and i will move on too but not without having a sadness that continuous to pierce within me and not without a bitter and rotten taste that stays in my mouth mabey that is why after i eat a bit that somehow i am telling myself that I dont enjoy it anymore cause there is not much i do enjoy anymore .....now dont get me wrong I love my kids and grandkids and sometimes i feel as tho i cheet them because my heart is so heavy and I like my house but sometimes I neglect it too I love to have people around me but then for some reason a sadness seems to take over my spirit i like to shop but then sometimes i really lose interest and can't make up my mind to really buy what i need i just buy a fix and wonder after if that was the fix I needed and did I need or like what I purchased ......pretty bad when you question everthing you do or think or say or feel and that is the purpose for this blog I am trying to find myself mabey by writing they say it helps it is suppose to be therapy but i am not sure at this point wheather it is or not as i have been doing this for too long and nothing seems to change how i feel .......so i know this blog and all of them are boring to you and I understand but it's not for you out there it[s for me and sorry if i cannot be more interesting and cheerful and creative but that is not me I am not at the best of times creative or humerous so even if I happiest person in the world that would not be in this blog cause its really not me same time I am type that unless you do something to me i do not look to antisipate that something is meant to be something else i make excuses and look at things more compassionately for longer than I should because that is just me and I or noone else can change that fact about me and not really sure i want to and even tho I am not in a greatful and forgiving mood i do forgive too easily and that is why i am such a target but again that is me and my prophile says it all I AM WHAT I AM AND WILL BE NONE OTHER THAN THAT cause that is really me so now that this is off my chest i will say nite maggie as it is getting late and i work tomorrow on a saturday which i usually never do but I will tomorrow ..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz September 02 back to realityWell here I am back home again and its 11.31 on tuesday evening and at 5 am i have to get up to get ready to go back to work . Good things have to come to an end and now i need to return to work to make more money to cover the splurge i just went through lol. makes me happy as i live to spend but i spend my money not someone else's that I know is the case in other situations,. looks good on him hope he is skinny because of his miserable life that he never thought he was gonna have , hahahahah not from what i hear and from what i know she is all about lol lol lol hate to laugh at others misery but looks great on his skinny body my weight loss is from the hell the asshole put me through often wonder if his is from the hell he is going through and that is what I mean when I say what goes around comes around only two fold and that is a known fact that life works its wonderous ways of making things even/ Would rather hope that his stress is from her as to the other terrible fact that faces him of being sick with his condition again I do never wish that on him no way even tho i know he could not give a rats ass if i died tomorrow that would make him happy i think as then he could go out and face the world without running into me as he fears that as he knows i will take every opportunity i can and will make him feel small and i have no remorse about that one and the other thing I have no problem telling the world of the tramp she is with all the details attached to it and let either of them tell me it's slander ....they won't cause they know it's not...... slander is only when lies are told but you do not have to lie when it comes to her cause there is more than enough of the truth to release without having to lie about anything ......he deserves her ......she deserves all she is gonna come up against if not already happening and really who gives a f--k .......not me .....why should I ..........see you happy you made somebody out of me i don't really even like .....people destroy people and then those people destroy back .....nite maggie |
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