Pamela's profileGardem on the HillPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
August 30 did it again I am obscessedwell its 12 pm on Friday nite in toronto and i just came back from the auction and yes you guessed it I got my fix I spent shit load of money again only thing that keeps me motivated seems these days.......my dreams keep coming more often and more and more headaches are driving me nuts as I wake up feeling like I been on a big drunk mabey if I was at least there would be a reason for these headaches ........I got a steal at the auction as i lucked in at a 5,000 dollar leather set a four piece set at that now all I have to do is figure out how to get it home from Oshawa lol don't worry tho as I am good at figuring things out , so it will happen... how soon, well that remains to be seen yet.... you would have laughed your ass off if you seen me and malyz and darrell out in the pouring rain at almost 12 pm tying to lift the big couch set in...... we had to take door off the house and it heavy as hell..... we were soaked ...good thing the coach set leather.... as they, the delivery guys only take to the driveway because of insurance purposes.... so , it was our problem then.... i also bought other stuff including new table for my hall... now , have to figure what to do with one bought last week , lol ..... think I am going nuts , for sure..... Oh well, its all I have.... just spending to release my frustrations , as my dreams are very disturbing these days .....all about my lost life , so , I must do something for release ....I guess .....as I only seem to be able to please myself these days .... others quickly get annoyed with me..... so best to be by myself , then at least, I do not have to worry about offending anyone..... and if they offend me , remember not to deal with it as they do , you know , no one I know is without fault, but some hold you to your actions...... too bad. I dont hold people to their actions, same ones who make me accountable for mine forget too quickly how they hurt and insult when it,s them doing whatever and as usual I just forgive and forget because that is me , easy to shit on and I usually end out taking it and making excuses for their actions , but I do not wear two hats and do not go my two set s of rules one for them and one for me ......so now that i spent more money I feel much better except I am much poorer, lol ..... nite maggie..... hair soaken wet lol August 21 tired but for justifyedWell it is now almost 5 pm and i have been on the go since 6 am and I think I had a day from hell .....seems hell follows me where ever I go and what ever i seem to do but for me that is par for the course .....honestly in my mind I do believe that someone out there is testing my durability but believe me it is starting to wear and not the way I wold like it to ...........i worked so hard today never had a cup of water or coffee from 6am till three am and not even a pee///////////no time for nothing customers like cockroaches finish off one and ten more arrive lol thought i gonna lose it ///////story of my life ........i did manage to keep everything under control but not without wondering if i gonna lose because that is how i felt ........came home from work and did the soak thing till my tired legs and feet started feeling like I still had them there......now i still have to do the days paper work as my brain if that is what I will call it would not allow me to even try and balance the sheets after this nutty and stressful day I just put in so the demand for me still goes on but I will do it when my mind is settelled down a bit'''''''even tho I am tired it is so nice out that i would just like to go out but my mind says no no dont go so for now i wont/////////last nite as usual I dreampt my usual dreams haunted by my would be life which was taken away from me so cruel and uncaring.......mabey if I could stop dreaming I could start to do things i want to do .....I am on vacation come Monday and believe me I am going to enjoy it .....oh believe me i have had several offers from customers to old friends to perverts but so far I am not remotely intesested at least right at this present time, so I continue to wonder and think and ponder as to what is gonna become of me and my future.....don't get me wrong i have lots of the good things that life has to offer but still it is not fulfilled as yet but I am sure in time it will be if I do not die......they say only th good die young so I will live on I guess It is a beautiful day out there and i should go out and sit on the patio take a drink mabey a black rum and just get hammered that is all it would take a black rum only one way i feel today lol......see there i go again running off at the mouth but guess whayt I am pouring the drink as I speak and thinking on doing just that and then doing something against my grain and book off last min ute hang over lol but lost my drinking partner mabey if i drank I still have him as it was my fault he almost died from alchol abuse so i should have taken part in what i go blamed for anyway nice guys finish last they say rotten ones just hang in there stinking up this world of ours but they are the ones who get all the thanks mabey i need to change my habits and learn from examples thrown in my face right////////gotta go now drink getting warm cant have that can I now mabey I get drunk and do something stupid lol see ya all maggie August 12 GOING CRASYwell here it is still raining..... been since last 11 days straight, but really over a month this summer..... sucks around here in nova scotia ....only about two weeks in july the sun and heat were ours to enjoy ......other than that, all of june and now august sucks and most of july. so guess summer is not ours this year. Mabey it works good for some things like the grass and the flowers , I guess ....not much good for vegetables that need sun to ripen.... Oh well , we cannot do anything about all of this so might as well accept it as it is .......I had to accept worst than that this year.....so guess the rain is the lesser of the two disappointments.... if had the choice would take the rain , but again can't do anything about that either, so, have no choice but to accept what comes my way ....whatever'''''''''''I am restless and anxious this evening as i look out at the rain and ask my self where to go , what to do, but, nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to go with, not even anyone to talk to around here but the cat , and, even he not want to hang out.... he just wants outside.... comes in for bite to eat and right out again.... think he hates it here too..... missing the life he is used to and the people he used to HAVING around here as well.... so we both lost in our own little worlds. I go to the fridge I... close it ...i go to the door ....i close it .....i go to the window and wonder what to do, what to do , no answears .....just emptiness ..... there has to be more to life than just this.... but what , cant sleep either ......not much mess here as there is no one to mess it..... dont get me wrong, can find work here but its not really a passion with me.... never was.... and , even if i had the patience to go to the gardens too muddy out there because rained too many days .....weeds took over pretty good .....and , grass is long but again too rainy to mow unless got death wish..... no , not me..... mabey death wish but not for me lol ... it is pretty mild out i must say and could go for coffee but had two already and i am sneezing now so only make it worst with another coffee so that is out .....could go shopping but again spent and splurged more than my share already this week so best to stay away from the stores..... and , as for groceries no sense wasting more money as the food usually get thrown , out no one to eat it .....so, no sense buying it..... ouch something just bit me ,I think..... or its my nerves..... not sure..... but i feel itchy all of a sudden.... wish I had something nice to say ....but ,cant make things up.... my new suv is nice that is for sure but that is two weeks old now ....novelty worn off .... and no, can't afford to go buy something else new , just because ....lol, looking out at the barbecue and patio set .....ornaments..... and I have 20 beautiful strip loins just sitting there no weather, no bodies, so what the point hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I know have to get a man, opps.... did I say that ....opps ...mabey not, that is really not a great idea either , so, now what????? mabey I just shoot myself, nope, don't think so..... mabey I shoot someone else .... nope , I don't know anyone that would be worth the penalty..... so, no shooting, please..... lol .....now, I find myself so bored getting silly , lol ..... maggie needs to get the hell off this site for now as she is getting ridiculous .....you silly ole fart you.... so get the hell out of here maggie , ..... Ok I am going BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE August 09 rainy dazewell.... here I am again, and what else is new.... it is raining , and has been for the past while back.... so many days, not really sure how long...... and, as for the word daze????? yes that is where I am , in a daze..... today, i am feeling neasuated and have a severe headache..... any one out there want it ???????my day off and what to do, I really know what I should do and that is housework catch up, but sorry , that is not what I will do ,I dont think!!!!!! mabey I will do somethings, but not all of it , as it is my day off and that is all I do is work mostly..... and, if i go out , I will spend money again as that is what I do.... I buy everything from a pair of underwear to cars, as I am compulsive spender ...especially more so now , since all this stress and heartache has came my way ////it's my only out;////////i went out last nite and as I stood there looking around all I could see were arseholes, looking and acting like they were the greatest things since sliced bread, trying to impress girls and vise versa , until the party is over and reality sets in /////and I thought to myself, my god , this same kind of situation was mine too, and, look where it got me , simply more hateful toward people and life and what its all about.......I thought to myself, look at them, do they really want what may be in store for them .....out there , last nite , there was at least one couple that would start a relationship from that flirtatious meet and then later on down the road what will be in store for them????? cause , sure as hell one of them will be just a joke or a user or just a hardened sole and will destroy the other one .......and , I guess this is the reason for this severe headache I have ....my new lesson in life is opposite than what i have been taught ( you need to love and to trust in a relationship or any thing in life )..//////....now here is my thoughts.......love but do not trust or you can trust but do not love makes more sense to me because then you protect your self .....I will try amd explain why this is my way of thinkin '''''''to chose to love and not trust then there will be no surprises if deceite comes your way ...to chose to trust then do not love and then your heart won't be broke.....I know you wonder about my logic but it makes a lot of sense to me ......you need to walk a mile in my shoes to say she has a hell of a way of thinking.....so without judgement , think about it for just a few moments, but , if you have never experienced this situation it is not so easy to digest as you really have no idea, so please do not judge why i feel this way...... and it is not just in man to woman relationships ....that theory goes for all the people that you feel are part of your life as somehow life is full of disappointments in the ones who count and the ones you would never expect but such is life ....again.....love and trust i guess really are suppose to go hand and hand but, it's just in fairy tales that it really works .....don't get me wrong it's not always that way and not something that others don't have or experience together , but , it sucks when it's not working, really sucks, and really hard to digest especially if your a deep and soft person..... hard on the outside does not mean your not soft on the inside .... I know that one too cause that is me..... hard , when things are not as they should be , but really soft as shit..... that is why you become hard when justice is not done ....and by the way i think that is my sign libra justice that scares me ......I always want justice or do you call it pay back ..........that in it's self is not good either .....I sometime scare my self ..... enough now , dont want to tip my hat ......lol ......... what hat .....I don't wear them;;;;;;;;;; so with me you just never know....... time for maggie to sign off.... I think....... anyone know what to do for my headache ?????did DR....Jenkly not get headaches when Mr. Hyde appeared oppps scary ......goodday August 03 dreams again terribelwell, here I am again up in the middle of the nite can't sleep dreams again nighmers I should say....I have to stop dreaming especially if my dreams are scary and disturbing.....how I ask myself can I do this as I have no control over my sub conscious........had not too bad a day yesterday went to the crab fest then down to hear michele wright at the boardwalk then for some reason sails knocked out of me and my mind took over my thoughts not good/////////////i just wish I could get one good nite sleep without being awaken abruptly shaking and neasuated.......as I am not a person for any meds of any type then there is no medical help I can get to help this situation so I guess I just have to suck it up just as I have been sucking up all the nasty happings in my life this past while back /////sucks to be me sometimes,,,,,,,,,,,mabey I need a new companion ,,,,,,that probably sucks too and is probably not a good substitude either more misery and heartache I do not need that for sure.........been there done that had more than my share of unfairness and shitting on .......but that does not solve my problems right now of the dreams and the restfullness that I am putting up with ....I really hate the feeling of neasua in my pit.......I am going to toronto soon mabey that will help and before you know it dominican here I come I am ready for it but are they ready for me lol.......my fingers are tingling so have to go find this typing is driving me nuts no patience and what else is new maggie signing off for now |
|
|
