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July 27 alonewhat now I look around me and all seems beautiful what more could one want in her life says others .....well guess what yes I have great health as of yet and a job that many at my age are retired but I seem fit and able to work 40 or more hrs a week and want to and I have a two cars a suv and a sport car and I have a house just newly updated except for the pit in the basement and a nice ok yard and a front full of plants and flowers but as I look around me I have nothing sorry if I sound like i am ungrateful but its only material things except for my health my kids which have their own lives and yes sometimes it feels like a zoo here once a year when its time to visit but other than that I really have nothing as it is lonely here and i have no one to share what I stive to have in my life with so therefor what is it all worth I am thinking its worth nothing you can not buy happiness unfortunately.......what ever happens to my life when it comes to someone I want .....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME ... It's not that I am selfish because I am not....I am not lazy ......I do not drink...... I am mostly game to do and go anywhere without question,,,,,,,I try and dress and look presentable and act that way too .......I am told that I am important to them till someone else comes along and isn't it strange it is always someone who usually does not even remotely have the same values and morals as I do and it's usually someone who's past is widly know as not being the kind of person you would take home to mama;;;;not that i think that I am all that because I am not but I think I am a good person who was faithful and tried to be fair to everyone else before myself hear I go saying nice things about me and only because i am trying to figure things out ....mabey I have a personality that attracts the wrong type of people in my life ones with no values drinkers and abusers and selfish people who on the outside sure can fool me and others in such a way that its hard to believe that they could be capable of such unacceptable behaviour /////////I try and justify what I really did so wrong ......and when I do put the blame on me in my heart nothing really makes sense and is not really true but the fact is I still look around me and I am not happy even with all that I have every reason to be and I only wonder if the other side is happy one minute I am told he is miserable the next min I am told I am wrong and that no one told me that but they really did I would not lie and he himself as much as told me too when he cried and asked me to give him some space to try and figure out what has happened here and that yes he misses me and the family he loved used to love who is lying here ......anyhow that is not what I am writing about I am just venting and trying to figure out what i can do next to make myself happy yes I am planning a couple of travel times going to see some friends and going where the sun is but its just not enough and no I am not interested in anyone else seems no matter who I even glance at they turn me completely off and are anything but an attraction in my eyes seems I cant get by the decietfulness that I seem to always get from the people in my life the last person I never in this world dreamed that would be the case in a million years too bad you cant trust them to go see their doctors to start up a cheep affair with the nurse one who is know to have no respect or values in life sleeping with a priest is as low as you can go and accusing with no evidence your stepfather with sexual assult when things go sour for her is worst than the marriage of 40 years she broke up before ruining my life oh well those are the kind that get along best in life I guess it does not pay to be resectable and have values and morals we are not the ones who get the rewards we are the ones who get the hurt mabey that is why when god sees we had enough he takes us and that is when and why they say going to a better place is what comes off our lips on our death bed means had enough of this ole world my my sometimes I often wonder how the hurting people cannot see what they do to others and justify to themselves that it is not them it was the other person and they are just trying to be happy well when it is time for them to go to a better place I often wonder ....WILL THEY //// AND WILL THEY THEN KNOW THE HURT THEY HAVE CAUSED IN THIS OLE WORLD WE LIVE IN....no they will come out on top again mabey cause seems thoses type never pay back just take take take until others taking is in their path you do not have to take money and things to be takers you can take feeling hearts and pride and love and yes even take the will to be nice away from othes and that is worst than taking material things and yes then their are those who take material things too like the one he is with now that is what she is all about someone to support her and help pay her way as she never seems to keep a job or a mate for long anyway enough maggie vented long enough July 20 stressedwell now I am wondering Am I really stressed and am I short and forgetful and cranky i don't think so but who knows mabey i am and if I am now I can't help but wonder why it is that i am ,,,,,,,my kids say they are worried that I have changed well if it is true I dont want that as I do not want to be cranky forgetful and stressed so I must try and find out why and what I can do to change that ....the only thing I do know I am not so happy lately and do not smile or laugh anymore so mabey they are right,,,,,,I need to get a grip I need to get a life if anyone out there knows how I can do this please let me know as I do not want to be what I never was and I am tired all the time I do know that and sometimes i do not deserve to be tired as I never was tired before omg is this what it means to get old lol I will not let this happen as i am the strongest person I know and will continue to be strong I dont need to talk about this right now as i am tired so ,maggie is leaving now talk later July 13 only the morning yet and already exausted but tannedwell not sure if you can call gardening a hobby for me that is cuz it is what I will call work but it has to be done and have no losers left in my life that will do it for me not that they ever did it anyway mabey five min here or five min there sometimes once in a while if lucky put a whole day together and do a bigger project but that meant six months of rest came after it lol.......where do women get these kind of men that are always wanting to help never in my lifetime guess i am not worth it ........mabey that is why I have become so independent G od helps those who help themselves .....well then he better not forget me when my time comes not bragging but I most always did for myself......I just came in from three hours of weeding and only thing I got was nicer to look at , a nice tan, and sore bones lol but it had to be done gardens looked like a dirty house speaking of which wish I had a maid lol my sons girlfriend was here last week and I really did have a maid she does not stop even tho that is not what i wanted but Darrell says leave her be mom that is just her and she likes to do that she is same everywhere she goes but I did appreciate it Darrell is lucky as she is just a sweet girl so soft pretty and tiny and not at all one lazy bone in her body I am so happy for him he deserves it waited long time for a suitable mate and I do believe he has finally found what he is looking for a girl who is smart independent and loving and admires darrell so much as he does her I wish them all the happiness in whatever the future brings their way. I know what its like never to be whole when it comes to someone who puts me first as that has never happened in my life but there is a reason for all they say even tho I did not figure out what that is yet but it sure as hell is not pleasurable .mabey my other life will be different and I will get the answears or who knows mabey I was here in another life and was rotten and this is pay back I dunno and I sure as hell can't figure as i do consider myself as a good person not always nice but it's what is thrown at me that is the action I take as I do not and will not take things and blow it off if people are mean and not nice sorry but that is me I do not deliberately do and say mean things to others unless they have hurt me mabey I rather be the kind to turn the other cheek but its not in my personality to do so as I am what I am and I am what I get now it is still only 11 am so it is sunday and I have a decision to make clean my house or go out and wonder by myself and get to feeling sad and lonely as i usually do and it depresses me to the point that I wonder why I decided to take that road but I am not really a house person and I get feeling very sad with no one here to talk to I do not really have many friends that have not got a life have family but they are all couples and I really not like being a third wheel thats when I get to missing him even tho he does not deserver for me to and I often wonder what the future brings as I look around me most people look ugly to me and very unapealing to me as I do believe my trust in any relationship took its toll on me and i can't seem to get past that. I do believe I cared for kevin more than I really knew myself and I may have made the mistake of having my guarde up too much and never really showed him who knows I certainly don't and he would be only too happy to use that for his excuse why he did what he did and that would be him maggie is getting bored again I must go clean the mud from the gardens off me get a shower mabey work around her about an hour or so and get the hell out of this godforsaken house that I spent a lot of money on so we could be confortable and entertain friends in but hard to do that by yourself i guess but good thing is its really much easier to clean and maintain and mabey when I am gone the kids will get better money for it and so therefore some good will come of all my efforts. goodday maggie July 12 kicking assWell I did it again let life pass me by and it's all my own stubborn fault ......Independence is great in one way and in another it controls you and your every thought and action......sometimes you must not be a slave to it as you end up punishing yourself. ....To think I could have been down in the valley with lots of family and new friends i met and here i am instead home alone doing absolutley nothing while three of my sons and their familys are having a great time at the camp site two of which I only see for short times as they come from away and visit, tried to leave yesterday but it really did not work out as timing was all off now no point suppose could have got the shuttle but then it would mean attaching my self to another transfer to get where I needed to be as even tho only hour away i again because I am so independent would not want to burdon my sons to leave what they will be doing and come get me mabey i would ruin something they wanted to do and to expect that well that is where I am too independent so I am now kicking my ass when I am here alone I have too much time to think about how I was shit on and why I should be alone in the first place and when I think too much then i dream and then it is six am and my day off and here I am up already exausted from dreaming about my past and now cannot sleep anymore rather be up as it stresses me out and i am now more tired then when I went to bed last nite....oh well , again ......my own fault.....mabey i should go out and weed the gardens as it needs it like and need it done but hate how dirty I get hate that feeling and can't stand the bugs I am not for sure a born gardener just want my place to be pretty and that means It's work to me as to most it's soul relaxing and enjoyable but to me it's only work just like housework I hate it but same time force myself to do it cause I like nice things just like clothes shopping have no patience to find what i like but I like and try to look nice so i shop cause I need to not want to and its a release to me when I am upset but it's still not what i look forward to doing ....the only thing that is not work and is enjoyable to me is what others call work and that is my job but to me with the exception to when I am run off my feet its my release without that i would go out of my mind,,,,,,I am a work alocholic when i get paid for it but see how my priorities are all . the kind of things that should be enjoyable and fun are work to me and work my job is what i am talking about is enjoyable to me so there fore i am kinda a slave to my job and all else comes last as far as whats in it for me so now here i am kicking my ass i could be having so much fun as i was there about month ago at the camp grownds and had fun even tho it poured the whole time down there and now that the weather is great i am thinking what it would have been like ....I am not a camping person for the most part and can only take in small doses but with all the boys there it would have been more than that and usually when they all here its not much fun sometimes for me cause it is all work for me but again I thrieve on that kind of thing waiting on me till i am dog tired the camp grounds would have been too laid back for me I guess as I am a go go go person and would eventually get bored lol no tims to run to and sit till i get bored,,,,,,,,I am not much for sitting around with nothing to do and that is why i guess I never book off much at my job because I need to keep going but as i stated above i don''''''t like housework so only like paid for work ......and in my mind that is not really that crasy if going to work might as well get paid for it right???????I want a new car but don't really want another car payment but can't have both ways I guess have to make up my mind have two cars already but will get rid of one if get suv but can't really make up mind what I need to do with my camero am attached to it just like as if one of my kids cant seem to want to sell it as had it since new and its so nice but only drive it few months of the year want to save it for my grandson when I am long gone and won't be here to see look on his face a his graduation as he is only two and wonder if that is good move dont get me wrong I have no money spend faster than making it but get what I want but that means I need to work forever lol mabey I am going nuts my way of thinking I dunno anymore but its the only way i know and only thing that makes sense to me right now and if I get new car and I burn out before ;paid off then I am slave to it lol but that is me and I guess my prophile that says I am me and will be none other than me is so true....oh well mabey I will go out and weed as now I am bored here too cause I cannot sit still this long even my fingers are tingling and going to sleep as this is too relaxiing for me maggie gone see ya |
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