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March 30 travelling soonwell soon I will be leaving to go to oshawa ontario to vist my son and see his new home . Perhaps this will be a pleasant change for me as I am not a happy camper lately and I need to smile and laugh again. I cannot remember when I did that . It's been draining me to the point that sometimes I am feeling what is the point. My interest is completely gone in everything and anything and I am not happy with this situation and try and try to get out of this terrible attitude and move on and start living again. If only I can stop thinking about what has happened and get rid of this neausa and feeling of tiredness and start to enjoy what is all pleasant around me as sometimes I feel it is so selfish of me to be letting the things that mattered to me most not be the priority in my life , believe me I want it to be , but just can't seem to pick up the pieces . I am sure that if I did not have so much commitments financially that I would not even have the drive to go to work everyday ., so I guess that is a good thing because I think that would be the downfall of what is the only thing that keeps me going right now. mabey my trip and taking myself away from where my hurt is so close may help me and mabey I will be able to pick up the pieces. there are times when I look at the situation and ask myself why I feel he is worth how I am feeling because he sure as hell not worrying about me then sometimes I feel that because how I feel so lost and empty and am not interested in persuing any more relationships that mabey if he did come back I would be able to forgive him giving his vunerable mindset he was left with and still has I am sure and because I feel mabey his companionship will fill this void that makes me so unhappy ....and mabey that is a purely selfish reason too, but if that is true than I do not feel guilty about that because he has been selfish not worrying about anyone but himself not even his own blood is he caring about so why can i not feel the need to think about what may make me happy again . and the guestion is Will It????? I should not dwell on missing him I should instead dwell on getting on and start to do for me and if he starts to feel like I do then he brought it on himself cause i was no part of causing all this hurt . If and when anything within his lifestyle turns around then mabey I will have the strenth and fortitude to do the right thing for me not what is right for him I need to do what I want for myself and if its to forgive and try it then so be it and if it is to tell him to go to hell than he will deserve it . the town was busy last nite and I kept telling myself i was going out and going to enjoy myself all the while knowing that I would not and I did not instead stayed home and was very stressed. I have lost weight and everyone who sees me says i look great and I have lots of pretty clothes and latest hairstyle and money to go where I want but I dont feel like any of the above look in mirrow and all I see is stress lines frowns and end up losing the desire and if I did want to go out I have no one to go with and am not interested in male invitations completely turns me off only one I want to be with is my companion that I had for past six years . when once in while I do get dressed and go out I stay for half hour and can't seem to cope so I leave , so , what is the point !!!!even when I come home from a long day at work I feel the need to get out of here and when I do I find myself lost with no where to go so I just wonder back and forth with my car driving to nowhere having a coffee and going through the mall but have no patience to shop cuz nothing interest me enough to feel that I like to have a certain thing ....only things I buy is things I need for house or if someone has sbirthday or whatever and I need to pic up present for, even that I can't seem to make wise decisions what may be nice to get for them seems the older ones , I end up putting money in card cause easier I am very quiet for the most part thesedays which is not my personality but i do not feel i have anything to talk about cause i am not interested in anything but if I am agitated which is easy for me to get lately I have an ugly streak that I am not happy about cuz I tend to overreact . I have made an appointment with a doctor but heard nothing back, need to rid myself of this depressive state that I am slipping into. I recognize my deplorable condition but can't fix it because he is on my mind 24/7 and it's taking it's toll on me. I wondered around the house all nite last nite from one bed to the couch and back and forth. I will get dressed and go to church again today and pray for a way or pray for him to get better if that is what is going on and mabey come back and talk to me because he too is very unhappy, I know I see it , and he as much as told me it, not voluntary but in what he says when I ask him questions. He is confused and I am heartsick, don't know what is worst..... and I should not feel bad about how he is acting towards me if it was only me he was avoiding I would know it's that it is just me but he is avoiding everyone even his own grandkids, so something is defenately going on and mabey he is drinking and that is the final answear for his actions and , if it is then, what is the point. she is welcomed to him and all his problems that will surface too soon. I just hope he has enough of it together not to let her manuliplate him to change his life insurance to her from his girls as that is what she is there for ....he is helping pay her way she is using him and if he drinking he is using her too well maggie said enough bitterness is starting to surface again as it always does the more I write so bye for now March 28 is he drinking ??????well the question is Is he drinking again,,,,,,not SURE BUT CANT IMAGINE WHY A PERSON WOULD BE HEADING FOR THE LICOR STORE IF NOT DRINKING AND IF SHE IS THE ONE DRINKING WELL SHAME ON HER MY FEELING ABOUT THAT ONE SHE EITHER IS DRINKING WITH HIM OR TEMPTING HIM CAUSE SHE WANTS HIM DEAD MUST HAVE FOUND WAY TO CHANGE THE BENEFICERYS OR FRADUENTLY TAMPERED WITH BLOOD AND WATER TESTS SO HE CAN BUY ANOTHER ONE WITH HER AS BENEFICERY ON IT WHO KNOWS BUT ON TALKING TO HIM BEFORE THAT DAY HE SEEMS CONFUSED LOOKS TERRIBLE AND MABEY IS STARTING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT AS HE SAID THAT HE IS MISSING EVERY ONE AND THAT HE NEEDS A LITTLE ROOM TO FIND HIMSELF HE LOOKS LIKE A DRUNK OR A STEMMER GROWING A BEARD WHICH HE MUCH HATED AND ITS NOT BECOMING AT ALL TO HIM HE IS VERY INTIMINATED AND CONFUSED AND WELCOMED THE HUG AND RETURNED IT TOO I BELIEVE HE IS STARTING TO SEE THE LIGHT BUT MABEY TOO HE IS GREAT ACTOR AND WANTS ME TO BELIEVE ANYTHING JUST TO PLAY A SILLY GAME WITH ME AND THEN GO PLAY ANOTHER SILLY GAME WITH WITCHBITCH LOSER USER WELL IF THAT BE THE CASE WELL HE DESERVES TO ROT IN HELL HIM AND HER AND THEY WILL FOR SURE BYE MAGGIE BYE March 26 another disappointment to all of us you and the nutwell here I am again awake and need to go to work or get ready soon but I need to say Easter came and went without too much time for memories thank god I started it with going to church and joiny son wife and my two precious grandkids then soon the house was ringing with noise laughter and consfusion as I served dinner turkey to all of them my sons and grandkids and other company I must say I said mostley prayers for God to help me understand forgive and rid my anger of the feeling Ihave been experiencing the past while back and to especially pray for him to see where and what he is doing both to himself and his family and yes to me too and on par for the actions he has been taken once again took another shot at his own family with his silly insults what is he trying to prove is he so brainwashed or isit that his brain has some kind of mental disorder that he does not have any control over stopping the one who is taking control cause the like of what he is doing is certainly not called for a hard boiled egg with an insulting message on it after all it was him who was the one who took over and tried to be the great guy by buying his love and that is not really their faults and what dad does not spoil yes there is a limit but not to go from the big sugar daddy to giving gifts of insult and messages who is he trying to punish for all his downfalls in life to think now that he may be and I say that very lightly sober now he is making it look like it was all everybody elses fault and he is cleaning up his act by making them feel as if they did this to him well they and I did not and not his poor deceased wife either he did it all by himself cause he was selfish and now he is again being more selfish and no one counts but the user and taker and controller he is with and he is blind to that fact and has made more of a screw up of his life and to think that the only thing he knows if for someone to think he is kind and generous that is all that matters to him no matter who he hurts he needs to take a good hard look at himsefl get away from that bitch who has destroyed her own life and many others around her including her two boys and only reason she keeps the girl is she gets paid for her and she cares about no one but her although she too comes across as being so sweet but guess what your reputation precedes you sweety and most people know what you are and as like him you have too lost all respect and trust so guess you deserve one another and both of you will rot in hell if you dont soon stop what you are doing to others you both seem sweet on the outside but on the inside you both are poison and hurtful and uncaring and if you think Mister that you are doing good for yourself well guess what your not you cannot be mean and hateful to your blood and all who you were involved with and expect for your life to turn around for the best you are on a very dangerous road to destruction so I did use up most of my time to pray for you and will continue to do so to try and mabey have God guide you to come back on side as I really do care what happens to you and miss the person who had better qualities even tho you had destructive qualities that have brought yu where you are today I am so sorry it has to be this way now maggie spent enought of her precious time on you for today and need to do something more productive work and try to be a better person so I will sign of till I feel the need to write again only way I know how to vent without any interuption in expressing how I think and feel bye March 21 good fridaywell it is good friday but I do not feel good so it continues to be just another day in my life not to be showing disrespect for what this day is all about and yes he died on the cross because of the sins of others and some live on those who are just that sinners big sinners all of us some of us from actions they have caused others pain and heartache and others from actions and thoughts because of the pain and heartache received from the most ungrateful sinner of all and now having said that I guess that I really dont have the right to but I feel I have the right to think what I want even tho it may be wrong for me to hate and resent and wish for things that made this a good friday with G od our saviour dying on the cross for us all of us some more vicious then others and that is for him to decide who is who and why I am thinking this way I am having a most dreadful day today and do not like to think of yet another holiday coming because it was always a time for happiness and celebrations around here and yes with him and his family being part of it too if it was their wish but they were as welcomed as mine and he knew that now they do not want to go where he is now their heart is not there even tho he is sober seems he just cheeted all of us from know what it would have been like to have him around us likethat or is he sober and mabey that is why he wishes to kind of seclude himself from all of us cause he knows we none of us would approve but seems he really dont care cause he thinks he has all that now well none of us think he has and he does not have any of what he had she no family he not much of family left and none of mine at all makes me wonder how he can be content but he is otherwise he would get himself out of the situation but then again he never stopped smoking so mabey he did not stop drinking either and as for gambling well now he has no money for that as she controls the money just like she did with the other victim she destroyed but I wont say destroyed cause he is getting on just fine and is moving on but she is too making my loss her gain but its her loss my gain so they all tell me looks as if your not all that popular my sweet selfish one and as for her well how can she be she is worst than you and for me well i will too be moving on and someday I will look you in the eye and realize that I am better off without shit in my life asshole maggie go now cause you need not stoop to that level March 13 changing things around this place ridding the desease outwell now got my bedroom painted and got rid of all the old stuff including the old memories some good and some not so good soon nothing of the old place will remain except me that is not sure if mabey this old stuff should also go too but for now i will stay for a bit soon I will get new coach for the tv pc room and that is when i will dump the old stuff but i will ,make sure he is not home and itis pouring buckets out so when they try to move it the task will be toughfer haha can you just imagine him and her out there trying to get the stuff out of the driveway before anyone can see them lol I think I will just park and watch the action from my dry car while i lmao the coach will be so heavey with waterlog as i will make sure noone be home till it gets drenched and as for the reast of the junk that that will be in small individual bags so it not make it too easy to get rid of fast and for the papers hundreds of them well the decision and jury is still out on how I will handle that and do you know what he will be most deserving of it and mabey the exercise might do the pig some good she needs to move her ass a bit might help it but nothing will help the acne she doomed but who the hell cares about her I sure as hell dont she is really not even a concern of mine but he is and he is not a priority concern just a priority aggravation that is all he is well when last i saw him he looked depressed and tired and so he should be how on earth can he sleep but I am hearing he is not even doing that great and that is mainly because of his actions and how he is treating his family and how he treated me and my family not to say how sick he may be can itbe that he is being punished well bud wake up and smell the roses before its too late or if not then stay there and take the consequences as it comes to you she and you must repent and must apologize to a lot of people and if you do not see it that way then I feel sorry for you and I really dont gave a dam about feeling for her I am sure she can look after herself cuz she does not have anyone who will care what happens to her except for you cuz you like pain and she will give you lots of it and then give you stuff to cure the pain right lol you jerk cant you see the trees for the forest no you cannot otherwise you would fix it so have a good life asshole night night maggie go now March 08 just thinking thats allI am home again tonite all by by myself doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and thinking .... not good... I need to get a grip and start to do something how do you make yourself do things when you can't seem to get the interest ... gee, I wish I knew that answear cause I for sure need to change my pace and move on .... I dont seem to have anywhere to go and i sure as hell have no one to do it with if i did have somewhere I would like to go'''' I actually have no interest in finding any of the above and at the same time I am totally frustrated with this present lifestyle.... It is two am and now I am up for the nite having slept the earlier part of the evening away ....I came home from work with the intentions of getting a shower getting dressed and going out but when the reality set in I realized I had no where to go.... did not know how to dress with no direction in where to go in mind.... and really no one to go with.... so instead , I did nothing and lay around till I eventually fell asleep.. waking every half hour and thinking till I dosed off again and I guess that went on till now when here I am ... I have heartburn ever since I ate two eggs and a bagel but at least I ate something usually I eat nothing.... but now everything I do eat causes my stomach much discomfort and pain... mabey I have something going on as I never used to feel that way.... very nauseated and full of indigestion.... probably from improper eating habits ....I really have no desire to eat anything much any more .... I never eat anything I like to eat.... when I feel a bit hungry I eat easiest thing around just to get by on... have no cravings for any thing anymore, not even treats , which is not a bad thing I guess , but I do not eat meals and really cannot eat meals cause it only makes me ill.... seems my stomach cannot take it and when I do eat something its no more than a bird would eat before I am full ... so as I analyze what my life consists of it really sucks.... work, and then nothing... now I do not even have any interest in shopping for new things for me..... I go, but nothing seems to interest me..... why //// I do not go anywhere so what do I need ... when you have no interest in going anywhere, why would I need to have something new... I guess I am going to toronto soon and even that does not exite me .... otherwise, I would be buying things to have some new stuff... but no ... cant seem to even shop for that ,,,, I am losing weight ,getting very old looking , and, not happy how i look any more.... and, I am not pleased with me.... letting my self get in such a rut like this .... Its not about not having any money to get what I would like to have , at least when that was the problem I had an excuse not to spend money on me but that's when I did.... as , I had some kind of a life and therefore felt the need to look good.... now, I guess nothing like that matters anymore .... I cannot listen to music ...it upsets me... I cannot watch couples together I get upset ... and I cannot watch tv anymore not that I did much of that , but when I see a couple in love I get very upset and it makes me sad , so I avoid anything that will do that to me... I hate to see a man and woman in a car together or a couple walking holding hands ... I do not ever remember feeling that bitter before .... I felt sad before but now every little thing involving a relationship upsets me ... I do not smile or laugh anymore ..... and feel I am getting frown lines on my face ... and I cannot even look in mirrors cause I am not happy with what I see..... I do not understand why I have to linger on with this sadness and remain in this lifestyle... and, wish I could just get happy again.... it seems that my heart justs sinks to the bottom of my stomach and I feel anxious and totally exausted without even doing anything to exaust myself .... imagine, a friday nite, no one here but me and no desire to change that and I cannot seem to cope ....omg I do wish I had something to do.... now, March 07 brain deadIS IT THAT HE IS BRAIN DEAD OR IS HE JUST SO CONTROLLED oh well whatever he deserves to be either.....to think it is now five am and for the last two hours i have been awake because of him with all his hatefulness towards me ....He is not even worth my thoughts good or bad ones but it annoys me to think that I gave him so many opportunities to come and get his things but he continues to tell me he will but does not even with the threat that if he dont i will dump them on his driveway with big notes attached as to why they are there and what he is all about seems like he wants me to do this and that is because he thinks that in his dumb mind that only me will have a black mark ya right mabey so but mostly to give her reason to say I am nuts as for his neighbors well mabey but also they will know that there must be so good reason why someone would feel the need to do such a thing and where there is smoke there is fire why should I have to be the one to gather up his shit I gathered up a lot of it and nicely delivered it and packed it till he decided to give me just one more slap moving in with someone who he says was seeing for only three weeks hard to believe isn't it........who really knows but that is when i stopped being nice and started giving him some of the grief he is giving me with no regarde for my feelings even tho for six or more years me and all of my family and friends treated him with respect and called him our family and bought and gave to hm as if he were not that he did not do the same in return but we never hurt him he imbarressed hurt and humiliated all of us imagine we were so foolishly gave our love prayers time and concern for him for weeks surrounding him with prayers and love while he lay in hospital on life support sick with liver faliure from alchol and prescriptive drugs and were all gonna give him our support to help him overcome his severe addictions when he started to recover from what the doctors said he would only have a ten percent chance to survival and he beat the odds then he immediately started his road to hurt and destruction He does not know or care to know that we even exist and he is not much better to his own grandchildren and to his daughters either for that matter but from what i hear he thinks that poor excuse for a new love and her kid which needs a lot of attention which he never had the patience for to give to his own he is again putting on a big act and pretending to be this great wonderful guy well now isn't that so sweet of him well his day is soon coming he will have to recon for all his wrongdoings and pay he will and as for her well she is already paying when her mom and only sister and all her reletives wont have anything to do with her because of the hurt she has caused on them so she will hurt him too and i cannot wait for that day to come but if it don't then they deserve one another cause their life will not be happy and how could it be neither deserve it and life does not work like that life gives what you take from it and takes back mabey that is why he and i are not together cause god needs him to pay for his ways that not only happened to me but all his destructive life and mabey god spared me as he is in for a good ride on being miserable as he has made me feel who knows makes me wonder i kno it is not good to wish theses things on anyone and I am not I am just trying to put the pieces together why this has happened as i feel deep in my heart that i cared a lot for him and did not really deserve what i got in return and dont get me wrong I was not perfect but I was human and lived as other couples had our disagreements but nothing severe and I always put him before me and I know that and so does he although he never will admit that he has to justify what his actions are by saying mean things about me he is so superficial imagine telling his kids that the thing he is with owned that house and two cars and that the man living in house was only a boarder imagine the lies he told and her too now you may wonder why I waste my time on even putting this on my space but to me its my relief from some of the pain I feel hopeful that mabey in time I may be able to put this behind me by using this as my out instead of boring all my friends and worrying all my family telling them how I feel and revealing all my thoughts to them only to make them worry and mabey even get mad enough to go after him and kick the shit out of him so I feel the need to talk to me and whoever wants to read this so as not to worry the ones who count in my life dont get me wrong I have expressed to my closest friends how I feel lots of times but they do not need to listen to me going on forever they have a life too and its not all about this bullshit cause as far as their concerned he is nothin but a piece of shit and they are right but for me he is the one I cared for and he is the one piercing my heart and has broke my spirit in two till such time comes when it mends and who knows how that will happen and when I want to hurt him like he hurt me then I want to be his friend then i feel i want to be part of him and I know he and i both dont deserve that him because he is not worthy and me cause I dont need his bullshit anymore but sometimes you read of reconciliation between a couple that has been a lesson for the better life ahead and its worked for some guess its how bad and what your willing to do to make something like that possible but its a ten percent chance just like his ten percent survival happened and he beat that for the time being omg its time for me to just put this pen down now and get ready for work which too has been somewhat of a nightmere lately nothing but turmoil there too I used to go there for the only peace i got from all my thoughts about him but lately even that not giving me happiness and piece cause the morale on that job is down so bad and management is not doing anything to change that amongst the employees and i not being in the best fram of mind only am getting more aggravated and does not take much to push my buttons and annoy me I know that its all about problem compounding and things that could be much better seem much worst now maggie needs to sign off and don't mind the grammer and spelling as i not much paying attention to what i am doing its all about venting and composing so therefore if it does not make much sense to you out there sometimes it does to me cause my inner thoughts know the meanings of what i am typing bare with me please goodday or good nite not sure what I should be saying lol March 05 live with yur guilt forever and suffer you assmust be pretty bad when your not allowed to answear you own phone and have your calls screened how insecure is that???? but then again she needs to shelter him cause she does not need for anyone to try and smarten him up that is why he has no cell and his kids have very little contact with him cause they too have no use for her but he deserves what he gets she is such a nut and so is she what a perfect match you often hear a match made from heaven well this is a match made in hell and some day they both will have to answear for their doings as for me I will too but at least it will not be from hurting innocent people who tried to be good to him now i have no reason to be good to him and I will not be and if I hurt him then he only gets what he gives only difference is I did not start this war he did and for every action there is usually a reaction imagine blaming me for not having a chance to be sober cause it was my fault for constantly throwing licor down his throat that is what he told a room full of people in the hospital and that is why they needed to take him home to protect him from me and give him a fighting chance when is he ever gonna take the blame for what he does its always someone else's fault never his own well I did not know him only for six or so years who was the blame then his poor innocent wife who he put through hell and back again and i suspect that is why he is living with so much guilt cause he knows that cause of the life she had the stress level was so high that she eventually developed a decease and died at a very young age I should be happy that he chose to cut me loose and pick up something and I say ..... thing .....more deserving of him and his wonderful ways that really no one knows of but me and of course his familys who seen through him all those years cause he is a great pretender and now he has a better pretender and she will be the death of him eventually too bad tho cause he left a lot of love behind ... oh dear god ....I sure hope he sees the light before its too late for him oh yes I am sure now its all so perfect but its only early yet and time will only come too soon when his regrets will be known and felt to him his bill colletcors call him here and when I give him the message he explodes as if it were my fault he has equipment belonging to companys that he says is my fault that he does not have them I have oh well if he knows where that stuff is I suggest he come and get it and return it where it belongs he owes every cable and phone phone company out there and that too is my fault even tho in his name he is just a nut who is in denial and that lovely man hunter that he is with that he dated for three weeks before he made the big plunge and decision to moved in lock stock and barrell without even a bed to lie on just airmattress's and of course beer in the fridge in the empty apartment till they finally took half of everything from the gentleman' that they so decietfully spent many nights in his home together while he worked away thinking he could trust the one he loved hahha not ..... my other half who says he had no use for people like her was in the end no better than her his need for a place to live cause he got the boot where he was at , pushed him into using her and she him ..... took half her boyfriends furniture saying she deserved it and mabey she did but if me she would never have got it any of it so again she as she usually does comes out the winner .... for now ...... but it will catch up to her but.... who cares about her its about him that I am mad about she is just part of the reason for his actions but he is the blame for his own actions and I find myself getting more bitter each day and god only knows where that may take me as now i am feeling anxious and revenge is mine to get and hopefully receive how where or when, well I am sure someday he will pay and for now one day at a time and hopefully that will heal and eventually scorn and much sorrow and regrets will be his that is if his new lease is not all of a sudden taken away from him again cause he does not deserve anything more god works in wonderous ways and you only live the bad way for a short period and something happens to stop the evil have to go to work now maggie will survive it but will he mabey and mabey that is the answear give him long and hard feeling of more guilt more than before its pay back time paland you will pay yourself no one esle will have too March 02 idiotthat is your new name and they are what makes up your new family and life and for the rest of us well you must think we too are all idiots but not just fools who you did a great job of fooling.....well now I hope you are proud of yourself cause no one else is and especially your blood as for me and mine well guess what they are very disappointed in you and never dreamed you lived with such underhanded values well they say if you live long enough uglyness always shows its face to the real truth WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ANYWAY AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF your a disappointment to all of us including your own and now your supposedly happy and involved with all the idiots in your life that you think are all that well are you up for a root awakening someday and that day will come believe me and when it does you will feel the pain and no one will be there to pick you up like before cause your actions are so selfish and uncaring all because she is younger than me and has a title which as far as I am concerned and most others is a discrace to that title and has not title ethics or respect for her position and abused it not only this time but many times before and from what I have heard alters specimens to suit when she wants to be untrustworthy and betray her profession which she should be stripped of and if there is anyway i can get the proof i will gladly be part of that procedure butyou think she is all that all you are is a glorifyed baby sitter but you will not last at that cause you only have limited patience for your own so why would you have any for hers especially for the needed attention that you will need in order to fullfill that hard job good luck to you you deserve it alll of it and when she realizes you have no money she will get sick of that too and when you realize you are paying most of the bills you will get sick of that as well even tho now you both think you dont care cause your so called loved will bring you happiness to not even pay attention to your own how can you even think paying attention to others is gonna satisfy you for long that will not happen cause I know you unless the new return to life brought back some kind of monster and mabey it did cause that is what it seems she is already evil and a monster after what life style she lived last ten years a destructive road that even her own blood have no use for her and no contact either that is why she hides in the house and when she is out play it so cool nothing fizzes her at all nothing she is a pig and yu are a bastard and you deserve one another HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF YOU BETTER GET DOWN AND PRAY TO GOD THAT HE SHOWS YOU THE WAY BACK BEFORE ITS TOO LATE believe me she is not all that and lives by he own so called careing rules and tries to put on the what a sweety person she is not a sweety and i will make sure I tell everyone that I contact what and who she is and what the both of you two did to all those who loved and were part of you till the both of you decided to just say get out of our lives as we live it to total destruction without any interference from any of you cause we are right and you people out there are all wrong and I am saying GO FOR IT YOU IDIOT GO FOR IT |
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