Pamela's profileGardem on the HillPhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
February 25 my woprd i all I have left what wordyour word what happened to that one now I am convienced something is going on with you big time to cry and act like you care and then you dont what on earth has she made you out to be and what control has she over you I understand she like a drink straight whiskey and wine is it that she is making sure you have what you need and you are fooling everyone around into thinking that your sober well then again you do not have to fool anyone cause you have managed to ailinate all the improtant people at least whom you said were important in your life so they do not know what your up to even your phone no is no longer that is so none of use will know if your back to old habits and i suspect she dont care cause eventually it will kill you without any interference from some of your loved ones who may try and help you well your a big boy and if that is the path your taking well you know the end result your wife who was good friend of the accused would not be impressed with you supporting someone who is hurting her very good friend WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ANYWAY you are nobody any of us know anymore you may have had your addictions but you also had a heart now cause of this new so called life your in you have now lost that too and you are selfish and mean and probable along with no heart back to all your addictions who knows cause you and her made sure no one will you asshole February 21 so taken up he can't see trees for the forrestmy my so I am ugly hmmmmmmmmmmm think I heard that one before from my x when he had a new g/f he running with and when i had a boo well I did not feel ugly any more or fat either well how shallow is that one and he did not see ugly yet wait just wait till she ropes him into taking out a policy with her as benificery as she did the other poor sucker or worst still since he may not be able to get another policy cause of his illness unless she alters the blood samples which I will not put past her to do and if she has no other alternative will convience him to change the beneficerys on his existing policys from his girls to her I was the one who told him to put the policy in his girls names as his beneficery I told him not to worry about me I take care of me he just leave them something whatever left after his burial expense I felt that was fair but now he is so taken up and really not that well that he is most vunerable especially if she convences him that she is there for him and will look after him since she a person who deals with people like him she will rope him in just as she had with so many men before him Mostly she preys on older men probably one foot in grave ones would not shock me if she conviences him to marry her so she can get his canada pensions when and if he goes before her and if she lasts with him till he goes unles of course something better comes along like seems to be her pattern she preys on clients as they are the ones who are sick she uses them to pay her way as they usually make more tha n she does as she cannot seem to keep positions for too long at her age she should have stable position given that she has the profession for it but no she goes from job to job or is in these fly by night part time situations and from what i hear she lost jobs cause of her skeeming and caniving oh well sorry for him I guess and love and beauty is only in the eyes of the beholder I used to be the pretty one at least to him I was but now I am the ugly one and I guess her the pretty one well good luck with that one too, I am still pretty to others and I look and feel ugly to him cause that is how I am when I see him ugly any one is ugly when there mood is ugly he was even ugly to me but that is cause i am turned off on him and his looks were ok before now when I see him he is sick looking and ugly but pityful too I really feel bad for him cause it took him getting sick to destroy him his self dignity and his head he denied all before him and yes from what i am hearing even his own how sick is that and how coniving is that one I used to incourage him that he only has one family but he should not buy his love rather than give in different ways and yes do and buy them things but dont allow them to be dependent upon him as some day he will not be there and they have to learn to make it on their own but now he has one who will depend on him and take him for all his worth which is not much and he will have nothing to share with his own cause I suspeck already he is tapped and he is trapped and stuck and if he needed to get out of it he really does not know how and if he wants to put up with it and stay there cause he thinks he got all that than he better hope she dont get tired of playing as she has so many times before when something better comes along butshe is getting a reputation so her chances are getting slimmer and she really is not all that that his family tried to make me think telling me she is tiney little thing and movie star pretty lol not not either of the two no where close she is thick big legs and butt and gut not fat but by no means tiny litttle thing and she is not ugly just not knock out georgeous like i was led to believe not that any of that matters cause that would mean that I am shallow like they are but I do not like being played and being made to feel like I was the ugly one who cares what and how you look is that what really counts and yes I like to look ok and try to and dress nice and try to and try not to get too heavy but that all should not be the counting point when it comes to a couple sharing their lives with one another and losing weight from stress should not be the way it should be as what it is for me these days we should have shared in the joy of losing andeating healthy together cause we needed this for our own dignity and health not to gloat and use it for vanity seems that is all that matters with him but he better wake up an smell the roses and as he cooks and feeds her all his lovely meals she too will get bigger and she is only young yet just wait older you get bigger you could get especially since life will be abut eating as he not capable of doing much else good luck the two of you you deserve one another and yes I am sorry we ended this relationship on this sour and hateful note but remember I did not do this you did your selfish family did and your deceitfulness did and you did not care who got hurt not me not my kids who were good to you very good to you and not the man that she was with her was good to her and loved her and did not really know anything of her past thought he about first one since her husband what a joke that one was why would she lie about such a thing its because she is ashamed of her life because of the way it all came down and the destruction she caused all around her and now look at him they are much alike and they will surely pay some day not sure how but they will pay I begged him for an apolgoy but as yet have not received one he told me just the other day that he was not worth much anymore but his word and that he will give me his word about something that he did not do so his word is nothing either he is not even worth his word omg how can you live with yourself how can you here it is middle of the nite and I am up and I need to work in couple of hours but cant stay in bed toss and turn and cannot have a good sleep in and out till finally i give up and get up so here is where I come to write and think and try to give myself some therpy trying to beat this feeling trying so hard have many offers to go out cant even think about it too turned off is it any wonder men are so shallow so hurtful so betraying and try to convience you that they are the different one and they are the one who will make a difference in your life ya a difference all right and the more times it done to you the more damaging it gets to your mind Faith is not mine sorry wish it was but for now it is not and don't really know if it can or will ever be again it is now five am and I am getting my time call at five thirty not much sense to go back to bed but i am so so tired nite maggie times to sign off February 20 worst night of my lifelast nite must have been one of the worst nights in my life I do not know what is going on with me but worst than that whats going on with him saw a caption today brave men run yes they do run that is only thing that makes them brave run from yurself and then you do not have to deal with yourself that is the selfish and thats what I guess it means that brave men run and mabey others may not have to deal with you even tho they should be given the choice not strangers love dont just happen love is respect for yourself and for others love is caring and nerturing one another over periods of time as you are closer and closer not love is knowing and moving in with a short period of time while the mood is there that is not love how can it be and turning your back on all others then its not possible to be able to love even if you may have love takes time the love at first sight only means lust at first sight especially when stronger ties and loves are forgotten about no no its not love or anything to do with love its all about the brave thing running funny a little one has the insight to figure that one out love is also what we shared such as it was and it could and should have been better but who knows why I only know I find it hard to just throw away six years especially hard years with lots of obsticles in the way have to go to work so maggie leaving now hope my day is not the nightmere i lived yesterday February 16 blood being treated no better I hearwow never thought the day would come when his grandkids mean so little to him that he is about disappointing them it never would have happened while I was in the picture and nor would I allow it to If he promised any one of them something and when the day came he did not have to give I always would make sure he did not disappoint them yes he would pay me back but I would bail him out cause it was important to him not to do this and I believe if you promise something then you should not go back on that sometimes he promised what he did not have cause of his alcolho and pill factor but nevertheless a promise is a promise and children do not understand disappointment but now things seem to be different cause the loser he is with has no more money then he does and he has less than he ever had cause he has to be the one to keep things going in the household leaving nothing to splurge especially since he made a shitload of bills just before getting sick was it because this affair was already in the plan and the sickness sort of happened unexpectly and that in fact he was yes at the ballgames but where was he after that and what did he really do with all that borrowed money was it to get started with his new love affair and she had nothing but had everything cause the sucker she was with was unaware of her having an affair and was probably still giving her everything if he not having affair and happened after we kinda were in a forced breakup then she sure as hell was cause she moved from her b/f home and right into their apt so tells me all that month that he says started to date her she was living with that poor sucker while he worked away and was not aware of anything till he arrived home what is that but a deceitful and untrustworthy person who not only did this type of thing once but many times and I know first hand but who cares looks good on him and he will get what he deserves eventually especially when money is not flowing and too bad he turns on his whole life to have what he thinks he got and to think they shot me down like I was a bad thing for him well hope your all up for what will surely be in store some day and for him well I never thought I see the day that he would disappoint his own and no I am not pleased with that at all although sometimes I felt that pressure he had on himself was unfair to him but it was his money and his choice only thing I got upset about was when he was broke cause of his generousity and his addictions he was not nice to be around so therefore I tryed to loan and help him out just so i could and should not have to put up with his moodyness when he had no money but he is not really the person I know and i do not think anyone else knows for that matter and I feel he must be upset at times cause how else could he not be unless I just thought I knew him but whatever pal you made this new bed and now you have to lie in it or figure your way out and if you dont want out then you better hope she does not either but you do not change spots on a leapord something will eventually give you need to stop the hurt pal you need to start to make amends and do the sorry things and not the giving that is not how you apologize and mean it you need to do the thing from the heart and your soul and your conscience and not to just me to all my family and to yours as well and yes I feel they deserve that even tho they were mean to me that is not what counts when comes to you and what your doing to them and you know it I pray to God everyday that i will at least get that much needed apology for what you did so I can get some kind of closure for the pain you have bestowed on me and yes my family too you critized another in my family and put down same type person and told me of having no use for anyone who would go out with someone that was with another well you did it and the type person you had no use for your now with that same exactly type now isn't that the kettle calling the pot black you hyprocret sign off maggie you need to find more of his junk to get ready for the big drop
February 15 gone bywell that ugly day came and went and i still did nothing to annoy him or to relieve my frustrations but I will and now the choice is no longer his it is mine and now he will not have the option of getting everything the choice is now mine as he showed no interest or is not allowed to get his stuff well too sorry too bad cause now he no longer has the luxury of getting it from here I will deliver whatever is in my way when the time is right and no he will not have the courtesy of knowing when that will be and you can rest assured that he will not be there when I decide to dump the junk and yes no one will take it or wonder who owns it as i will make sure that is name is all on the stuff and who it came from and why it is delivered in such a fashion he had had chance after chance and many times I called and asked him to come and get the stuff and he said he would but never does and the stuff I will keep will be the storage charges and the return of the monies that i so foolishly spent on him when he in hospital thinking we were a couple after all why would I just want to pass him over 300 dollars if we were not his family could not find 10.00 to put in a tv for the day till he got some money so i will take my money back from the stuff I can find use for and for sure it wont be that ole smoke filled coach that reaked of beer and alcolhol he can have it as i will buy whatever it is that I need here as i always did I hope Ilive long enough to see his sorry little ass regret the way he treated me and the way he just walked away from all my family whom he said were special to him hahaha what a f ing joke what a player what a phony what a shallo and deceitful person he turned out to be His friends warned me that was what he was like and that his true colors would eventually surface cause you do not change spots on a lepoard and the one he thinks he got now who all of a sudden is such a great wonderful person just like i was so he said will too eventually show her true colors when something better comes along as she has always did so many times before and I spoke to and know of a lot of them and god only knows how many I do not know about who gives a damm cause that is the type he needs and remember folks a new broom sweeps clean and on both sides.... the broom is still sweeping for now nite maggie enough about the losers February 13 valentimes day tomorrowwell tomorrow will be so hard for me as he always fussed over me on this day omg I am not gonna be fit to be around.... terrible things running through my head .... I want to hurt him as I am hurting ...but , I do not know if I will have the energy to , as my body is limp and mind is racing ...I had the chance to go out for valentines from a certain someone who has been wanting me to go out for some time now, but , I do not even want to give him a first base , and he is really very nice, but , what is nice ???? is nice what I thought i already had , only to get slammed on the base of my face so hard that its numb .... I was hurt before but seems this was and is a brutel type of hurt and to think he critized the one before him and called him scum because of what had happened does he not think of this, and does he realize that compared , he is by far the worst... and scum, is not even the word for him .... my body is lacking sleep and my mind is lacking food and my heart has gone cold , and , I can't seem to get out of the fog ... but , I will, and when I do , god help the one who ever tries to cross me again..... as for him well I said it before and i will say it again GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT ... and , believe me , it will come back to him and her, well , she is really not my concern , even tho I heard horror story's about her and some day the two of them will pay for their sins and pay dearly... but as i said she is not the one... she is just in the line of my heartache.... and is now part of my pain that has been caused by him... and his selfish and mean family, not all of them , just a chosen few... but , such is life ....a hard lesson for me to have learned and a very painful one but someday all will be good and i will learn to rise above all of this and go on with some kind of dignity and pride.... and happiness will again belong to me.... not sure when, how, or in what capacity of fullfillment but
god will lead me and guide me to do the right thing for me \ and no one can tell me what is or isn't right for me , when the time comes and i have to judge that for myself and if i again make mistakes, then so be it.... as it is my life , such as it is.... and i guess I have to live it and hope mabey the heartaches that I have felt will not be part of whatever else is in store for me ....but , for now, I am not looking forward to tomorrow and I feel I need to do something mean to rid myself of some of this pain but will it just give me more as I do not wish really in my heart to hurt him .... but he is hurting me... and , i just cant seem to make decisions, only on the spur of the moment .....so god only knows what action I will take next.... and, if i do , then it's what I need to do however it may leave me feeling worst or better ... I am not sure , and wont know until i proceed in my action whatever that may be if anything .... I hate you I love you I hate you I love you I miss you I hate you or Ijust want to get you back ....which is it i do not know signing off now maggie February 09 my companion lost and gone foreverwhere did he go not here I know but somewhere to search his heart and his soul did he beat the odds and start a new life one with all new friends and loves or is he tormented I often wonder cause I cannot imagine what it must be like to leave your old life behind especially when he tried to convience all of us how much he loved and adorded us all and yes including me at least that is what he wanted me to think said he thought the sun shone on me and respected me and what I stood for in so many ways and he told that to me so many times Was it just another one of his lies cause at times he tried to go out of his way to allow others around us just the opposite not wanting them to really know what he told me and my family I just so wish that i could just get rid of the neasua that is plaguing my body and the disinterest of anything that is going on in this life How I manage to go to work I will never know but I find as the days go by instead of healing I am slipping and work is just a function that I feel now too is starting to take it wear on me I am at the point that I do not even want to talk to anyone anymore its like I cant seem to get the energy Sometimes i get a small burst of energy and go through the motions that i am happy but most of the time I give in to the fact that I am not and miss my companion or do I just want to have had the opportunity of saying get out of my life Is it that I just wanted the choice and wanted to be part of the decision cause for me to care for a person who could do such a mean and cruel thing and jump into a relationship after three weeks of dating or so he says mabey another pack of lies cause his daughter says he not always at her place when he told me he was well anyways how could I really miss this type of person He says I wished him dead I never did I never will but for me if that had of happened well at least even tho I would morn him at least I would not have gone through this kind of heartache that is attached to him surviving and yet dying cause he left my house wanted me to stay close to him told me he only wanted me to be near him that last terrible week and then that was the end what am I supposed to think but that he died for me as he never survived it in my eyes I wish him no harm but Ido wish his head which I do know that the doctor told me when juandas hits the brain the damage it may cause is really undetermined and in my mind he is not the man that left my home his values were much more than that at least seemed to be how can someone change that much I did not cause his illness his illness happened long before I met him and you do not get serosis overnite it takes years and years of abuse so why they including him want to place the blame onme its not like I sat and drank and popped pills with him and as for his gambling I discouraged it as much as I could and it was me who when i saw him lose more than 100 I would convience him to leave and he would thank me saying he would have stayed till he lost everything or if he was winning i convience him to leave while ahead lots of times I just changed his mind that he did notneed to go and he listened to me but while I worked i do not really know what he did and what he was up to heaven forbid if the thing he picked up has a gambling problem well its not my concern is it and I really could care less if he reaches the bottom again at least it surely is not life threatening like his other addictions but it could drive him backwards tho and even tho the threat of dying is always there isn't it for all of us one way or the other . No w why I worry aboutwhat happens to him I will never understand I need to worry about what is happening to me and how I can fix it cause he sure as hell dont give a dam because he is not kind and generous as we all thought he is really selfish cause not even an apology for what has taken place is in his mind or heart if it were he would do it right????sign off maggie as now again I vented but the neasua is causeing me t have stomach pains cause I cannot and do not vomit never did even when pregnant afraid to always was February 01 not interested in being picked upwell its now 11 pm and here I am again sitting all alone did not have to be but am really not interested past while back, met someone a tims, and he wants to take me out but I cant even get remotely interested in him or anyone at this present time funny he formally from newwaterford first flag second flag said the same things as my x love your eyes second flag then as I continue to tell him not ready for another burn says same thing as my x all of us are not the same you need to start to trust flag no 3 for me also i was cautioned not to fish in the same pond that I fishing wrong holes ..well have i got news for all of them as I am not fishing at all in any ponds rather sit here by myself than give anyone else the chance to play with my heart anymore that is why I cannot even imagine him living with another woman in such a short period of time no time at all for healing and I do not care if he was miserable as his spokepersons chose to say about our relationship then all the more reason why he should not of been able to even think of getting into something else not even knowing what he may be getting into at least we two were together over a year before that happened and developed some kind of relationship to build on but when so much against us to build anything its a wonder we lasted that long six years and we did care for one another and as we met the other day he said that he never ever said anything bad about me and never said he was miserable only miserable problem with our relationship was his addictions and he of course did not like himself so therefor how else could he feel but miserable and also I did not come first and if you have a partner you need to put them first unless its about a child who may need you otherwise you companion should count first and if that was allowed to have happened we would have still been together and mabey now that he not able to continue his additive lifestyle mabey we could have had a full relationship and that he would be able to lead a life for him without the guilt and feelings that he had to always feel obligated to do the sorry thing and have to please to be excepted o well at least that is how I see it mabey he sees it differently and mabey even tho he says never said anything mean about me now he thinks he got world by tale well we certainly shall see a new broom sweeps clean right nite maggie wonderingjust got home from work finally met up with the jerk and just as I thought he did not say I am sorry just said he never said anything mean about me and that he not responsible for things said by others that he does not feel that way about me but actions speak louder than words and his actions were brutal and also people telling me he looks great well guess they looking at someone different than I did because he does not look great he looks sick and old and as for her well although she is not ugly by no means she is average not a bad looking person at all but by no means beautiful like was told to me and also not a tiny little thing not at all and not that any of that should matter and if it does then that tells me he more superficial than I would have believed for that is not what should matter love looks and sizes are only in the eyes of the beholder and even tho he is not bad he is not all that and that is not what mattered to me not at all but now I will say that I was told he is so happy and content well if that look is happy and content well then I sure hope never to see what he may look like not happy and content heaven forbid he has no reason to be happy and content first of all he is a very sick man and his conditions is of a serious nature second of all he betrayed all those who respected and loved him and third he has to deal with three very serious addictions alchol pill abuse and gambling and not to forget he needs to deal with his conscience and if he misses his so loved people in his life this past while back I do believe he is and she as well are now using one another him with no where to turn and a young one why not and she needed someone to help pay the bills and get her a place to live as she had nothing and wanted out of her situation so I can say and as well as others they are using one another good luck and yes I will say it again what goes around comes around even tho I do not really wish him anyharm but i certainly do not have any great feeling of goodnes in my heart for him to shove down my throat he did enough to me more than I ever thought he would as he always said no matter what that other nut did to you I am better than that and will never hurt you cause we are good for one another and I will always be good to you lies lies and lies again again and again sign off maggie cause now you are angry again |
|
|
