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December 14 cryingyep that is all i seem to know how to do right anymore and that is all I feel like doing most times when when when am i gonna start living again I just can't stand this not sleeping not cooking or eating anything to just enjoy it just eating cause nothing else to do or need to have something in system do not go to pe e much any more cause do not drink liquids much just when extremely thirsty but who cares I don't that is for sure I wonder around this city and this house mysmirized and looking for something to make me happy but it does not happen love the kids but they not around much and miss him dearly miss the wondering what he would be like today if here and would I be happy with him or would he still be sitting there most times sleeping or just non existant unless he was the one who needed attention oh yes he was quite nice when he initiated it but heven forbid if it be me that wanted to just laugh and do things and go places now what is he like I feel cheeted not to be ab;le to see if life would feel complete with me now that it would be me and him most times or would it be really miserable how he can look himself in the mirror I will never understand no matter what I always thought he had a kind heart but I must have been wrong as this is not who or what I thought he was about yes there were things I did not approve or like what he did same as he felt about me but the things I did like were the things he let me down the most with and now I am so disappointed and withdrawn because I feel so used and so stupid to even be so wrong how can that be that you can be so wrong about people and what you percieve them to be Oh please God please help me get over this he used to say my other people in my life my husband and greg were nothing but scumb to treat and do the hurtful things they did to me and put me through and now he turns out worst then both of them put together at least I had found it in my heart to forgive and care for them but him even tho I think of him 24 / 7 and I hurt for him to mabey be here I cannot seem to get by him and forgive him the hurt and hate I feel is more than ever realized I would be ever capable of and I hate this feeling Oh God please give me some closure seems only closure may be that of me no longer being here and then it will end but will it ever end my life and what life will it ever be whole again and I know not till I am able to forgive and move on and that is not happening I need some peace some kind of apology for him making such a fool of me I need to stop wishing and wonder ing if things would have been better with him now as god did give him a second chance would he have appreciated me and the ones he always said he loved better I wonder does he now I think not as he is not even that good to his own blood not even as good as he pretended to be when he here does she mean that much to him and is her type what he needs so he does not have to pretend he was and is gook it is 4 am I am exausted but still cannot sleep my discontment is just too overwhelming to let me sleep and the closer xmas comes the more sad I seem to be now that the shopping is all over as I don't even get joy from that any more I miss spoiling him at xmas and feel bad that some of what I bought him I still have and do not want to give him as she will benefit from it and that would only make me more angry so keeping it just makes me feel mean and not nice but no other thing to do right now as not in my heart to give it back offered it but he never came for it not even his stuff like personal papers so why should I even worry and its all because he is ashamed I am sure I need to go now maggie is frustrated and sad so cant do this no more tonite geez wish I could sleep wish I could feel content like I used to and feel mabey wanted guess I was just fooling my self I neeed him to apologize but never happening never will I guess I just cant understand I can't nite from maggie sorry can' do grammer or spell check either no patience I know better just don't care right now December 09 when will I stopWell soon I hope to stop shopping that is I am a little nuts this year bad other years but this year takes the cake..... I really dont know what i am trying to prove nothing I am sure just doing the frustrated thing its how I handle discontentment anger stress disappointments shop shop shop its a release just as others drink for that same release I shop so guess you can call me a shop aholic lol not funny tho as even tho I do not mind giving now I am confused as to what to give to who and if they will even like or have use for my benging fuck cant even spell it lol it's 1 am and here I am shopped all night and now still cant sleep oh well life goes on I guess whether I shop or sit here or whatever it will not wait for me and my sillly ness now will it?????????????? I am thirsty lots of cold ones here now that the shitface is no longer here doing his binjing..... lol ....still cant spell it ...who cares tho I sure as hell dont all I care about is nothing anymore that is what happens when someone distroys the faith you just give in and just don' t seem to care anymore....logic is why bother .you know what i am making all kiinds of mistakes means i am done tired or just not into this one way or another its good nite from maggie to all of you whoever word of advice what every you are or whatever you do DO UNTO OTHERS AS THOUGH YOU WERE THE OTHERS nite now maggie signing off December 01 HERE iAM AGAINHI IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE LAST HERE, AND IT IS NOW CLOSE TO XMAS, ONLY TWENTY FOUR DAYS LEFT, ... IT IS NOW ALMOST 12.30 AM AND i AM STILL UP AND HAVE TO WORK AT 6.30 BUT AS USUAL CAN'T SLEEP ..... STARTED PUTTING UP TREE BUT LOST INTEREST, SO NOW HAVE TO FINISH TOMORROW..... MY LITTLE GIRL IS GOING AWAY... FAR FAR AWAY IN FOUR DAYS AND I AM VERY SAD.... HAPPY FOR HER ...SAD FOR ME AND HER SISTERS AND DAD AND ALL OF US WHO LOVE HER, BUT SHE MUST DO WHAT SHE NEEDS TO AS SHE LOVES SOMEONE DEARLY AND HE IS IN ALBERTA SO WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FOR HER HAPPINESS , I GUESS, SUCKS THO, REALLY DOES..... AH WELL , SEEMS LIKE IT IS ALL ABOUT THAT IN MY LIFE LATELY.... I HAVE SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED AND STILL NOT GOT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET ....JUST BUY BUY BUY AND NOT NO WHY.... NOT EVEN KNOW WHO FOR OR IF ANY GOOD FOR WHO ..... THAT MAKES SENSE NOW DOESN'T IT, BUT STORY OF MY LIFE.... NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE, NOTHING , .....OH WELL, NOW i AM GETTING YOU ALL DEPRESSED ....NO NEED FOR THAT NOW, IS THERE .....JUST BECAUSE i AM AND THAT IS ALL MY OWN FAULT .....BUT , XMAS IS COMING.... MABEY SOME SMILES, SOME GOOD FRIENDS , AND FAMILY , ONES THAT ARE DESERVING OF MY WELCOME, AND SOME FUN..... MABEY, AND THEN , MABEY NEW YEAR TO BRING ON BETTER AND NEWER LIFE AHEAD..... MABEY JUST MABEY..... MAGGIE NEEDS TO GO NOW AS HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY... NOTHING HAPPY AT LEAST .....SO BYE ALL FOR NOW BUT REMEMBER THIS IS MY SPACE AND I NEED TO SAY WHAT i NEED TO FOR MY OWN RELEASE.... SO IT'S FOR ME TO BE BORED WITH..... SO , IF YOU READ IT, DON'T GET MAD.... IT'S WHAT i NEED FOR ME ...JUST FOR ME ....SORRY ......BUT, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING AND IF YOU DON'T WELL WHEN YOU READ THIS BLOC YOU DO KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, SO YOU HAVE THAT CHOICE OF CHOSING NOT TO READ IT , BUT , I NEED TO WRITE IT....... MAGGIE GOING NOW |
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