Well, 12 am on New Year's of 08    and here I am all alone while my x is probably out thanking God somewhere flaunting his new younger piece of gear ...  his thanks to God for giving him a second chance ....  a new life for him...   a new beginning ....  forget his old problems and his old life ....afterall,   weren't  they the reason he had to change , especially his other landlady who led him to self destruction.... oh my , he did such a great thing for himself ,  after all,  who needs all those concerned people in his other life that cared so much for him ,   they do not exist.... especially his so called  landlady  that he lived and slept with for six years , that he was seen all over the city with  for six years,  but yet , she was just his landlady that put up with him when no one else would.... bu,  now that he cleaned up his act , she is just not up to snuff ...she was just a mat ,  a place to live , a place to drink and smoke at and allow him to do practically anything his little ole heart wanted to do when convenient ....   omg,  its just too bad the trail of destruction is so pronounced that even tho he chose to close the door to a much better lif,  that trail will probably always be there to hont his conscience,  if he has any.... my sellf , I believe he cannot have one because he could and should never be able to sleep at nite and if he can then he is more cold and calis than I could ever imagine ....   so his little doll face as he so often called me , will go on and will live on too,    but will never forget  the  lesson in life she has learned ....  and,  he will live on too and never learned a lesson from the compassion bestowed upon him ....not blood but he was their poppy , the only one they had  and now he has abandoned them a second time because it is convenient for him....   makes no wonder my son and  daughter in law  are not pleased ..... after all , that is their babies that he was giving the privelege to be able to be  involved as their poppy   only to let them down  ,  the asshole  .... why do people like him seem to get the best breaks and rewards as they continue all their life to leave their unwanted marks and scars ....    there must be something I am missing  I guess  ....  can't seem to  put all this in a pleasant package  and be good with it all .....cant help but feel resentment and hate and anger ... this is a terrible way to feel and a wrong way so therefore I your landlady   your doolface lovers    would like to wish you A VERY HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR AND HOPE YOU GET EVERYTHING IN LIFE THAT YOU DESERVE  NITE MAGGIE   SIGN OFF FOR GOD SAKE      

well its almost xmas    where is my spirit   I dunno   I guess its  destroyed   I never though I would ever feel the need to give up but when you feel like you been kicked so many times by uncaring  and heartless people that have surrounded your past well enough kicking and I guess you just don''''t feel the need to get back up again   what is the sense says me   I feel like I have been such a fool   to have such  destroying and destructive  people  whom you though  at least liked you  to rip your spirit in two   I sit and wonder and have many sleepless nights trying to justify their means  and trying to forgive and excuse the  unnecessary words of hurt hate and untruth that they took apon themselves to speak out for someone other than themselves  and delibertly hurt me   but it does not end    I never seem to be able to get past this hurt and anger I feel and I don't seem to be able to turn the other cheek as I was always taught  to forgive and forget and get on with it    what makes me more angry is  the person  directly  involved  with this whole  situation does not even have the courtesy or caring after all we went through together to face me or to apology for the actions of his family  shurely he must feel some kind of sorrow about how all of this came down    but no... all he cares about  is himself and his own ,    too bad.... but the big joke about the whole situation is he still thinks my family should be  fine with all that has gone down    to be even cordial   to him would be more than he deserves  after all,  what does he expect , you do not hurt someone who spent hours crying  and praying and spend endless hours at he hospital  when he was dying and have all your family and friends of both me and him  come to mine and his aide  with concern and prayers  for him ....and ..only by  the gift of God he beats the odds  only to come out of it with starting his new life  by hurting others   omg   where is his conscience   I am not sure..... but I do believe    that he needs to fix this...  it can never be completely fixed cause the damage is done but for his own piece of mind he owes me the courtesy of  talking to me and at least apologying ...   but then again ....  apologies   are gonna be very hard to accept when you have to ask for them  , arn't they ....  but I don 't have to worry cause that will never happen because I do believe that comes with low life .....which  was again evident  when I received most disrespectifully  by correspondence   from his family or should I say one of his family   mmmmmmmmmm...... how do you take back those words when they are written in stone  but the only sad part is its not written by him   and had to be well thought about   I may be a bit nasty but I certainly will never  get personal ... unlike what was told to me ...  believe me I could and it probably would not be pretty but what is the point ...  no point at all.... you do not hurt others to get even and for sure you do not stoop to their level  expecially when so uncalled for.....    I am not even sure if all feel the same as the person who  wrote the letters and I will believe  they do not  especially one ,as I have no bitterness toward  that person at all, even tho lies have been told  to make that person turn  offf on me  but deep down I believe she knows the difference  and     I have no reason to  resent  others   the letter was wrote by one  and I only have to consider the source and the intellect behind their reasons to make sure  things could never be the same again  and  that mending a situation would be impossible that is what  she aimed to do and succeeded   congratulatios   sweety  live with yourself  if you can and I am sure you can cause you have no heart   too bad  and I am sorry she feels that way    and as for the person who has no tongue for himself    well  live with it all   and to think you used to wonder why I did not trust and you used to tell me everyone is not the same and you were different well , let me tell you something your worst....... at least I was left with a  hammer in the house  when you came and got some of your stuff  guttlessly when I was not around so you would not have to face me or have to feel badly cause of what your wonderful  daughter has taken upon herself to  do    thankyou  for allowing you to break my spirit by even getting involved with the likes of you   and yes anyone who askes I will defenitely praise you up