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November 18 sat nite blueswell its 1.01 am on a saturday nite in late november of 07 and here I am at this computor bored to death not sure if even more bored than being here watching my x sit on here for hours at a time playing solitaire or on line poker, and I might add having his own personal party drinking beer or what ever was around sometimes wine. I should be out on my nite off but so so afraid I may continue to meet with another loser and the same type of person that you so often meet out at nite drunks or so called alcolholics as others want to call them who knows what the proper name for them are and for sure who gives a dam I sure as hell don't I sat here for hours trying to convience my self to go out even believing that i was just resting and was going to get ready and do that but deep down I really knew i was going nowhere believe this I am still telling my self its still early and mabey I should still go out lol ... i know at 3 am i will still not have moved Life is a joke sometimes because expectations are just too high and I am not ready for the great let down any more in my life I just am not I keep waiting for an apology frm my x for the shabby way me and my family has been treated just to please his own but I guess its a great lesson for me and never again will I let anyone do this to me in my life time You know I do believe you do not have to betray your own to be kind and compassionate to another faze of your life that does not involve them but I guess he does and to justify his actions by saying he was miserable is such a lie... just as he told other lies to please and say what he thinks others like to hear from him .... Its guilt , all about guilt, why he lies so much and feels the need to try and please others by doing and giving and saying things that he really knows are not really the truth His lifestyle has always been that way and the very ones he will please today he probably will hurt tomorrow when he feels the need to think that out there something for him is more appealing and then again another person, an innocent person, will get hurt, by both him and all of them people when it suits their needs my my I only wish I can soon wipe out that most disappointing part of my life that I really wish did not happen and if they think that I buy into the fact that they all justify his and their actions by saying that I am the sick person who needs help then I think they need to search their own conscience Am I sick for being upset that I was totally shit on and treated so shabby after all I ever tried to do was to be there sure I expected that i would get some kind of equal return not turned on and told that i was really nothing by other selfish person in his life just because its now convenient and I am not needed . the same person who told me that she and others were treated no better in years past especially his other half now all of a sudden becomes the reason he spun so out of control his undying love that he never will betray oh now who is sick love can come in many different ways and when its no longer to love in life than its ok to remember and try to love in another way and that is not betrayel ..... but the guilt of how that other life really was will always be a deterent in finding peace especially when he is told of it from time to time out of anger and selfishness from his siblings when it suits them and he too also told me of his feeling the guilt sometimes omg how things get twisted when to his and their own advantage so easy to blame and hurt another to justify their own guilts omg so lesson learned for me.... only love those who return it unselfishely and forget the ones who did not and are not capable of loving they are certainly not worth it .... so, I will probably just be by myself for the rest of my days cause I cannot deal with anymore of this abuse we on this receiving side of this insult were so letdown and believed in him even with his alcoholic sickness we accepted him as he was not agreed with it wanted him to change but never thought the blame would be put on us me ...especially.... I cannot control I can only advise and wish ..an alcoholic has to decide and to control their own life and even now his life is not really controlled by him but if he stays sober that is one consolation that has changed for his own good and health .. too bad he has to live with his betrayel of those who were good to him accused of aiding and forcing alcholol down his throat was so unfair , drink with him ...as none of us did that , as we, none of us have a drinking problem he had the problem and we did not really like it but liked him too bad he did not like us unconditionly as we did him or mabey me and therefore my siblings got hurt as well opps am rambling mabey I am sick as I was so rudely told lol not I dont think so maggie, as I am known to my readers must sign off now as it is 1.34 am and mabey I will go out lol still kidding myself ... by the way xmas will be cheeper this year one consulation too bad he wont come and take rest of his stuff some of which was gifts from us as it is his and I am not selfish or mean enough to keep them but I am also not his delivery service but I guess he must be too imbarressed to face any of us or he is not allowed... either or ... but I am sure he would be , as the stuff will be to their advantage mabey he dont want that to be cause he knows that I am totally against his stuff that we bought going to anyone but to him and mabey he agrees cause it is his stuff and he has a way of giving everything he owns to them to gain more brownie points to help heal his guilt but we will not say anything to him cause that is not what we are about he need not worry and I really need for him to get this stuff out of here as i do not really want to be reminded of him but again I am not his delivery service I catered to him for many years my catering is over goodnite maggie
I November 08 way to work I go well here i am its 6 am on thursday nov 8th of 07 I am on my way to work today hoping to make lots of money cause according to some people I am all about money lol i SURE WISH AND IF I WAS MABEY i WOULD HAVE SOME BUT ONE THING i DO NOT DO IS FEEL THE NEED THAT MONEY BUYS MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS CAUSE THAT IS SO WRONG AND i AM TOTALLY AGAINST LIVING THAT WAY NO DIFFERENT THAN TRYING TO BUY WAY INTO HEAVEN DOES NOT WORK AS A MATTER OF FACT WORK AGAINST YOU DO NOT GET ME WRONG i AM NOT AGAINST GIVING BUT i AM AGAINST FEELING I NEED TO GIVE TO BE RESPECTED OR LOVED I GIVE WHEN I WANT TO AND YES SOMETIMES WHEN IT IS NEEDED BUT NOT ON A DEPENDENT BASIS JUST WHEN I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY AS I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT ITS ALL GOOD BUT FOR NOW I MUST MAKE AS MUCH MONEY TO TRY AND PAY OFF ALL MY RENOVATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN RECENTLY DONE AT MY HOUSE AS YOU SEE UNLIKE SOME OTHER PEOPLE I PAY FOR MY OWN PASSIONS AND LUXURIES THAT I WANT AND DO NOT EXPECT OTHER TO DO SO I PAY MY OWN WAY IN THIS LIFE CAUSE I WAS TAUGHT THAT AS A YOUNG GIRL MAKE MY BED I BETTER BE READY TO LIE IN IT AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE RUMORS THAT OTHERS PAID FOR ME ESPECIALLY MY RENOVATIONS HOW CRUEL IS THAT ONLY ONE PERSON CAN STRAIGHTEN THAT ONE OUT IF THEY WILL BUT SURE WONT CAUSE ANOTHER WAY OF SHOWING PEOPLE HOW GREAT THO ART EVEN IF IT IS A LIE OMG WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO STOP THE LIES WONT GET YOU TO HEAVEN FOR SURE HOPEFULLY THE NEW HELP WILL TEACH YOU THE CORRECT WAY TO GAIN RESPECT LOVE AND PEACE ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO FEEL THE NEED TO TELL A LIE TO GAIN IT OR TO BUY IT IS EVEN WORST LOVE ME FOR ME NOT FOR MY GENORISOTY AND IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU LESSON FOR TODAY ENOUGH MAGGIE GOT TO LEAVE FOR WORK November 06 no more nice person no more shitting on me not any more
Quote hey home again from work now what to do what to do could do housework but hate housework could make soup with the turkey bones bot no one here to eat it could sleep but can't and wont do that so what to do could look around and make someone life miserable but they dont need me to make them miserable they do great job of that all by themselves and already have plenty around to do that well deserved chore without me having to waste my prescious time and those individuals are miserable to start with so they can all enjoy one anothers company miserable company lol cant help but laugh cause am thinking out loud if they read this bloc they probaly wont even recognize themsefves cause they really think they are not anything like the ones that I speak of lol cant see the trees for the forest they cant lol sorry just cant stop laughing not nice but why bother cause being nice did notget me anywhere so mabey its time to change a bit and give as good as I get back no more shitting on me no more sorry i need to go now say good evening maggie http://wolvieplesnickr.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!27684B129008BA2D!203.entry November 03 wolvie bored againwell here I am bored again sitting here at this darn computor wanting to get dressed and get the hell out invited to a wedding but no interest to go want to go to legion but need to push myself to go probably wont go have to get motivated but I am so turned off on people that I have no interest in anything except work cause I feel some kind of return for doing it not about the money it helps but not really about that just that I know its just all about honesty not involved in or around hateful people that only feel the need to use and hurt and never trying to just live and do good for others just for whatever drives them I have no time for these kind of individuals and they are usually in your personal style of life so its no wonder I love working cause its only about doing what is expected of you and the satisfaction of doing a good job and never getting backlashed especially when you dont feel as if you deserve things that are dished out to you just because you have the misfortune of knowing such types of individuals in your real personal life sometimes I feel I can do without a personal life I have no time for the bullshit . If buried in your much loved work then at least when you are tired and feel down then its for a good reason caused you may have put in a 10 hour day and its ok to feel like that but its not ok to feel sad and restless and tired cause others have chose to hurt and to make you wonder what life has to offer except sadness and despair so dont feel bad when I say that I want to work and dont want to mingle amongst the world that can possibl have a chance to take pop shots at you for probably no reason at least no good enough reason now it is 9.30 pm on a saturday nite and I really should get dressed and get the heck out of here but please lord give me the strength to do this for myself as I need to get out I really do so I will sign off now and tell maggie thats all for now goodnite maggie |
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