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January 18 been too longHi ya been a bit too long since I have been here and no not any better not yet trying but not getting very far ......I made a few resouloutions but so far they are just that .......I want to skate but need some kick ass I want to swim and again need some kick ass ..... I bought exercising ropes and did not open the box as yet .....what the hell is this all about ,,,,,,why can't I seem to never really do something ......only thing I do is shop and even that without any thought or heart either.......I need to do a few last things here to finish off what I started only about a day or so work and don't really have the energy to get interested enough to complete .......why ......who knows , cuz I sure as hell don't ,,,,,,I must say, I did go out a couple nights but, really not with much enthustism .....as, I trust nobody and am interested in nobody .... nor can I even open my mind enough to really enjoy the night,...... When I do get to fall asleep, ,I wake up with a headache so bad with nightmeres all night that I feel like I have a hangover ........here I am right now at 3,40 am, and , as usual, cannot sleep..................I can not seem to content myself in the house and when I go out I cannot seem to decide where to go or what to do so I usually go to tim's and after awhile , I ask myself what I am doing there , so , then I roam the malls looking for something to buy and the things I really need for the house I foget about and when I get home I realize yet another day and did not get what was needed ........am I losing my mind or am I just so disappointed that nothing matters anymore /////////I want to have some sleep but know that it is not going to happen so here I am I bought some cornbeef and some riblets to cook but so far they are still in the fridge..... can't seem to get the ambition to cook them ....and , if so, who for ........I can invite my bros who love it but dont seem to have the push..... that is the first meal I cooked for kev"s first visit to this house and that is the meal he took over doing after we became a couple .....mabey this is why my heart is not into cooking this meal .......but, I can count on my fingers how many actual meals I have cooked in this house in the past year and three months .....sad but true ,.........and when I do cook it's lousy and not like I used to cook I have lost my touch..... cannot seem to cook with the same passion that I loved to do .....that makes me angry cuz of all the things in my life that I was good at, now I can honestly say I am terrible at .......my heart is not with it and that is sad as it was something that I enjoyed to do in my life and loved to have people in to eat what I cooked and now I am afraid to even ask anyone to come to dinner as I am never happy with the product anymore .......oh God .....when is this torment for me going to end ?????.......whatever I did that was so wrong in my life when am I going to stop paying for it ,,,,and the hard part is I keep asking myself what did you do that you do not realize you did that is so bad that payback is still coming at me .........mabey when I can answear that question, I guess..... but right now my conscience does not really give me the answear .......not that I am perfect, by no means, I certainly am not ,,,,but , I do not think that I lived so evil a life that I need to keep on with this torment forever......in my heart , what was done to me was far worst than anything that I really and honestly feel I have done to anyone in my life..... yes , I have said and did hurtful things at times without thinking but in all defense I have never betrayed those I loved and trusted and who trusted me , at least I do not think I did ......who knows I keep questioning myself on a regular basis and my mind is now wondering that there must be something in my life that mabey
i blocked out and that is what I am being punished for .....otherwise. why am I paying this continuous price of not being able to have any happiness ?????? dont get me wrong..... my kids and grandkids are still a joy but I do not do them justice as a mother..... not being able to do and enjoy them with happiness within myself to the point of complete contentment ......this is not fair to them ....this is not fair to myself either.... and I feel what is not fair , is his life goes on without torment although he has caused me so much torment...... where is the fairness in this I ask????????????? Maggie needs to end this stupid feeling sorry for me,,, now as I realize that is what this whole letter to myself is ............It is me who refuses to go on and make myself happy .....only me, and, only me who can fix it .......am I really trying .......I have great thoughts of things I can do but I don't do any of it and I cannot get motivated enough .....so it is my own fault .....I know that much ...now , I need to know how to fix it ,,,,,,,,,,,night all .....it is 4.07 am hope to sleep but I am not least bit sleepy but cannot think of anything else to write without repeating myself as usual////////////maggie says nite to all |
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