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January 27 up again and no more restedwell it's 8 am and here I am again sitting here again after going to bed and not sleeping well mabey i did for about hour or so rest of time dreaming tossing and turning and thinking my thoughts were so upsettng that I had to get up to get rested from my thoughts while being still nothing seems to change for me right at this moment either I go shopping which I need to stop for a bit or I come here but either way that besides my work seems to be my confort zone; now that I know where he lives I need to figure out how and what to do with the rest of his stuff sometimes I just want to dump it other times i feel why should I bother to and sometimes I want to give him everything and other times I just want to give him what is in my way and keep what I can use since he does not seem to care one way or the other I offered him numerous times to come and take everything he owns and gave him a time limit to do it and he did not comply that is because he is a coward and too imbarressed to face me as he knows what he and his lovely daughter and sister took part in was brutal andmean and disrespectful toward me and my family too as they too feel insulted by his uncalled for action what a bastard this is what he is an asshole is too good for him to be called he is definetly not clothed of quality material only of pieces of leftovers his personality is made up of He needs to clean up his act he has caused much heartache in his lifetime and the road to destruction is surly his for both himself and anyone around him that condons his actions he is so in denial his lies and addictions have made this kind of person out of him and now he just does't care anymore what anyone thinks and nobody is gonna get in his way that tries to change him either it is so easy for him and others to blame me and his friends whom I have listened to them blame all the time I known him and he too he blamed his friends when it was convenient for hm on his downtimes when he said he had enough drinking and gambling he blamed them and their way of living that influenced him to live like that and now he is satisfyed to blame me cause it is easy it is too hard to blame himself who is totally the blame cause he needs to justify his actions to say he is getting the help he needs well i am understanding that again is a lie and I know the people who know and what they are saying is that he is not and again he is telling a pack of lies and only fooling him self but if he was still here he would be cause he had a whole family who were gonna give it their all to help and direct him in the right direction but I only wonder if it is not all too late did he damage his health to the extent that their is no repair and time is shorter than we will all hope for who know cause I sure as hell don't cause I have no right to and cant even ask him or anyone how sad is all this what a way to end six years I cannot feel that this is so unfair and cruel but everything happens for a reason and the reason I do not know as of yet or will i ever an apology to me and my family would be the very least he should have the courage to do but courage is something he does not possess a coward usually runs not deals with situations easier mabey not comfortable for his conscience if he has one but for sure easier maggie says have to go said enough but will surely say more again another time can't sleepwell its almost 3 am and as usual I cannot sleep I do not even know what to even say I think I said it all nothing left to say I guess but I feel the need to write so mabey I can exause my frustrations and fall asleep I think too much wonder too much and have no answears I will never have any answears till I get some kind of closure I want to know I need to know I probably will never know but mabey someday I will and it will not make a difference by then and mabey it still will do I still care more than I wish to admit but why I will never understand cause makes no sense why a person would want to hang onto something or somebody that has no conscience and is selfish and only wants whats good for him I for sure have always did what was best for others in my life and I am not really sorry for that and yes for him too many times it was about him an d never about me and if it was I was have kicked him to the curve long and ever before he got sick not that he had no good in him as he did and towards me too but his commitments and guilt always took front seat and I got kicked to the back and until he learns that his partner what ever that might be must be in the front seat the back seat is still there and not close from the front but their lives will go on with their partners who will be in the front seat and him in the back why was it that he felt the need to kick his soulmate to the back if he had not our closeness would not have got stale and the love and fun that we both felt when a new relationship would have grown instead of got farther and farther away and when the crunch came it was so easy to push me aside well unless he changes it will happen again and again until he can live his life whole and for him and however should be by his side he will never find happiness and as for me well I never will trust to find happiness again its not worth it .....I so wish things could have been different and I often wonder what goes through his mind or if anything goes through his mind at all I do wish somehow I can find the answears to give me rest and settle my mind as I cannot imagine someone being so part of this family forgetting it just because some one said too and it would be best for them best for who for him or them as yes we had our issues but we also had our closeness and shared a lot and talked a lot about things that I am sure he never talked about to just anyone things hetold me in confidence that i shall never reveal that only could be told to someone you had complete trust and respect for where did all that go noone can judge what we really had and yes he said and did things in anger when he mad at me just like everyone else does andwhen he not mad he would say did not mean any of those things he may have said and that he though the world of me and would never find a good woman like me and a great family to be around such as mine and that me and him were gonna start to enjoy life and he was gonna start to do things for us from here on but that only lasted till the next committment came his way and really I believe his only vent was me so he usually said I did not like his kids wrong wrong nothing to do with me and his kids something to do with him feeling trapped and controlled and had to buy love again too bad cause he is really a good person but he dont treat people good his good is in buying here I go again repeating myself nite maggie hope I can sleep now its 3.30 am enough January 20 feeling nausated up again as usual but that is ok had some sleep last nite dreams are dreadful and keep me stressed out and more tired than if not slept a wink so better off awake...went shopping a stress releiver for me but as time goes by out in the malls I start to come down and start getting to thinking and things I see sometimes depress me as I start to visulize things always putting him in the glorious and happiest inviorments now that he is rid of me ....is what he has now so much better ....is he much happier....is he a more pleasurable person to be around than he was here now that he off the licor or does he still have his personality that was for the most part pretty dull except when someone other than myself was around him was it me and just me who made him not want to live and be happy or is that his way I just do not really know anymore....I really thought he wanted me part of him even tho he never made me feel that way only when he thought I gone cold or when it his time to want attention.....does he treat her so much better was it the alchol that made him the way he was or was it me I question that every day for him not to know how I must be feeling what does that tell me but then again I do not really know what he is feeling either so I guess we really did not know one another after all and six years was just that six years of waisted time and space expecially for me who is so deep and gets so hurt he for instance I believe has no real feeling only when its good for him and you can pick your friends and relationships but cant pick your family I often wonder if that be the case would he have abandoned them as well when they served their purpose I believe that could and would have happened when the time was right if not blood cause he goes cold and has a lot of hate in him think he has a lot of kid issues and never really grew up still waiting for the satisfaction of completing his nutering as a kid gets and mabey he never felt he got as he sometimes told me he always said his mom did not like him and he sometimes stated he hated her think that was reason a woman was just something he wanted to hurt when the time was right for him cause he really loved his mom but missed the boat and can never seem to find it or does not want to find it he seems to live on the past and when its gone then he realizes his love and dont know what to do about it so his guilt just eats away at his insides so he eats away at anyone or thing that remainds him that he is feeling lost inside so he just acts to retaliate noone seems to be that precious to him he says his family and grandkids are and yes they are but he has no problem lashing out at them as well but he never lashes at none of my family why seems only people he shows his ugly side to is the closest to him including me but my family only seen the sweet helpful generous funny obliging kind individual that he could betray so well and so good mabey he missed the boat again mabey he should have gone into acting he would have been excellent at that profession and the drugs and drinking part he already had much experience hands on in so he just needed to put the rest of his personality in the play world and mabey he would not have had to act it out on innocent people and hurt them so much often wonder when yu see buss loads of young innocent highschool kids doing positive things in their life lose their lives and getting killed and never getting a chance to live why God lets them die and then gives people such as him the second chance just to continue on his destructive hurt road that he always was part of makes you wonder why God makes these choices but I am not to question him as I am sure there is a reason and he knows best but sometimes its hard to swollow when you feel so hurt and used sorry I feel this way and sorry I cant seem to get myself by this mess right at the moment that is why I am writing about it mabey I can rid my mind of the loser as it is surely destroying the rest of whatever is left for me in this life and I resent that the hate I feel and the hurt I feel is so hard to defind and so hard to understand but just like I go shopping for relief that only lasts for a little while so does this writing ....the only other relief i get to have until... the nausea starts to set in and I want to die as I cannot stand this sick feeling inside of me and it just wont go away i want it too but it wont go please God make the pain go away maggie has to sign off as I feel the pain in my stomach need to lay down need to mabey cry dunno got to go nite January 17 up again cant sleep againwell here i am again been awake for last two hours as usual no rest for the wicket I guess problem is I took him to hospital and never took him home slep with him nite before rubbed his back till he fell asleep as he asked me too do as he talked to me feeling bad cause I had to work early in the morning and him feeling bad cause he was keeping me awake needing me to sooth him omg I didd not realize that was the last time I would be able to feel the closeness and what we had then after that he never returned and they wonder why I feel that for me he must not have made it even tho he did as I was taken out of his life with the help of their persuasive measures and him vunerval and sick was so easy to convience along with being poisioned about me and now he is living with another woman within a month or so of leaving me cuz he needed someone but this someone never had the pleasure of even talking about what he had been through cuz according to them and him it was easier to blame me for what happened to him but I was ok when all his addicitions were out of control then I had full ownership of him as he was just a burden but to me he was the one I cared for and could have loved if he had let that possible but at that time his love for licor pills and gambling was all that he was capable of although in his own way he did love me butnot for the right reasons and to think that I may have had the opportunity of mabey having the right kind of love and respect from him giving he had the second chance in life instead he has abandond ship along with all the family and friends he became so attached to and they to him and betrayed us all but not without a little help blood is definetly thicker than water and its all so easy to say he was not happy with me well have I got news for all of them when it was just me and him and we were out by ourselves he loved it and so did I and he did everything in his power to please me but his guilt and feeling of not being allowed and caple of trying to make me his life and that meant me first as your partner has to be first you do not have to ignore all other loves in order to love for yourself but that is the story of my life I always dont seem to count that much and its because i am not a taker and I am too independent that is my downfall in my personality and its hard to change that but I wsh I could cause I may have made it with him as he needs that for his self dignity as he was such a failure in parts of his life that was his way of making it up but me being me had hard time taking advantage for those reasons I needed him to do for me with full mind his heart was there but his generosity was not there for the right reasons they were forgivness actions cause he knew he was not doing right by me and all his family his only way of saying he sorry January 12 tormentedomg I am so tormented.... I just don't know which way to turn....i am not sure if talking to him may put my mind to rest or just add to the turmoil I am going through....I pray every day to get some peace I toss and turn all nite with mostly no sleep and when i do i have terrible nightmeres ,sometimes about him and sometimes about just all scary and tradagy .....really not sure how much more I can take ....I have lost all interest in everything and anything around me... I exist in this house that I tried so hard to make a pleasant and comfortable surroundings for us to mabey spend the rest of our days in ....but, even that was another way for him to hurt me , saying, I was trying to impress and shit higher than my arse ...seems he did not even appreciate I was doing it for us...and because the house my responsibility felt that not his problem to share the expense of which that also was lied about not sure if by him or not saying he paid for it that was another lie and I am sure if I wanted him too he would have helped mabey that was his way of thinking that he did not belong, mabey I should have included him but felt that would be not right . If I was wrong about that well I am sorry but I have a problem if I feel I take advantage of someone who is mostly drunk all the time I only wanted the place nice so mabey we could have his friends family and mine over for some fun times ...he never even showed any interest in anything I improved or any new furnishings I bought only when he in good mood did he even notice that something was new ....i attritubited it to his alcholism and sickness and told myself that his personality was not his fault due to up and down depressions from his addictions and his obligations bestowed on him that he mostly took upon himself because his whole life was with living with deceit and lies and trying to over please when people he cared about were not happy with his way of living... He did not even realize that the good he did was all about buying love bribes cause of his guilt knowning he was disappointing everyone he cared about including me only difference was he was not allowed the luxury of getting off that easy with me cuz i did not need his sorry gifts Now he is on to another and I am sure as he was with me a role model personality with the exception of the alchol mabey I sit here and wonder if he really is now happy or has his pride got him to believe he is and if he ever sits as I do for hours and think of everything rotten that has took place since his brush with death does he justify his actions and excuse them and blame me as his daughter and sister did or in his heart does he really know the truth to say he was miserable here well mabey , but, was it really me who made it miserable or was he his own worst ememy with his out of control gambling drinking and drug addictions along with trying to keep up with the fasle impressions that he tried to bestow upon me , my family, and, his family... well you know that we none of us are stupid and we all quickly saw through it, even tho I do not hate him for it because he had no control over what he needed to do to save his selfesteem, from a life of admitting to his failure and weaknesses ....it was easier for him this way I guess ....too bad so many people have to get in the line of his hurting and , even now I make excuses for him because of my fondness and feeling for him although I was told in the crueless manner that I cared not..... well goes to show how much they really knew how none of them including himself did not care when the need for me not there anymore .... I am so emotional over this episode ...I will call how i am is limp inside ...and feeling so letdown and trampled on .... to be in a ring with a bull I believe the pain I feel would not have been as imbareable if trampled on by it.... there is no pain like heart pain.... none to compare it with .... maggie is sigining off hoping this venting will ease the pain a bit January 02 stressednot much to say nothing left to say I am stressed cant seem to get by this news I reveived on xmas day what a day to receive anymore slaps but story of my life lately I just cant believe a person can be that fickle and have such disrespect for me and more than than for himself where is his sense he watched too many cornation street eposides now he is actually one of the characters living so immoraly doing things you only see on soaps and guess he thinks he is hooked up with all that well he will find out down the road that his fantsy will crush right before his feet no one does the things he does and gets rewarded for his own actions especially as he act with no regarde for others love for his only love of his life and he spins out of control on yet another woman in such a short period of time has appeared in his life lol what kind of jerk is he at least I over a year before a committment was even discussed but I guess his ugly head took over his god given brain opps did I say brain sorry cant give him credit for one of them nor a heart either for that matter or a conscience for shure he has none otherwise he would not be going down this path showing God he is in fact not at all grateful for all he did for him his actions are a bit to be desired as I sit here trying to figure things out and trying to visulize him being able to look himself in the face He certainly is losing much respect from those who really thought he as a good person no no no he is not good he is a nothing a nobody a loser can I say more think not |
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